I’ve been dealing with constant feelings of loneliness since my breakup last September. I miss always having someone around, someone to give me cuddles and buy me ice cream when I’m upset. To this day, I call my ex repeatedly in desperate attempts to feel anything close to those feelings, but she never responds.
And I should clarify that while I feel lonely, I am not alone. I have good relationships with my mom, my stepdad, and my sister. I’m thinking about distancing myself further from my dad, but that is what it is. I recently ended 2 important friendships, but I am still friends with people from school and have acquired a gaggle of gays to hang out with. There are people around me. I just don’t feel like they see me.
It has now been longer since my breakup than the relationship actually lasted, but it still affects me. I imagine I’ll have abandonment issues to work through for years to come. I am having fun going on dates, but when I think about having a girlfriend, I only want Jenn. Not even Jenn though. There were a million things wrong with our relationship that I ignored because I was in love. So I imagined a Jenn that doesn’t exist, and I still do that today. She brought a lot of negativity into my life, but for one brief second, she made me feel less alone.
I don’t think this post has any real thesis. Usually, when I sit down and write, my thoughts form some sort of coherent structure, but maybe that isn’t the case today. I guess the point is that I’m lonely and I miss Jenn and those things are very much related. I’m in a writing mood, so I might post again later. Until then,
TW: SUBSTANCE ABUSE, DEPRESSION, SUICIDE
In sake of full disclosure, I am extremely under the influence of excess Ativan/ Lorazepam.I took some more, and now I have bad a lot, but not a dangerous amount.
I would like something very deep to come out of this post, but I doubt it.I am very, very, very, very happy that **This is when Sarah forgot what she was talking about and became unable to keep the conversation going or whether there is a mood that needs to be kept or anything,
My point is, I am in Hell, Lorazepam helps. Will probably want more later. I’m turning into the worst fucking influence. Didn’t step out into traffic today. Win!
Note: I cannot comprehend anything about this posting at this point so I apologize ahead of time for the poor decisions in posting.
So I wrote an incredibly dramatic post (or three) the other day about breaking up with my girlfriend. The day after I wrote those posts and my linear algebra final, my girlfriend missed work to come to my house and talk things out. We ended up deciding to give our relationship one last shot.
The good news is that I am no longer horribly depressed and lonely. The bad news is that I have to have that “Never mind about all the drama the other day” conversation. I didn’t tell many people about my breakup, because I was busy trying to hold my shit together, but I have had to update my best friend, my roommate who heard me sobbing, and now, this blog.
Anyways, it is 1 in the morning and I need to get to sleep a few hours ago, but I felt the need to make this post before writing anything else. Regardless, I plan to write again in the near future. (Probably actually maybe this time)
Current emotions: numbness and linear algebra ^
I really am shit at keeping up with a blog, aren’t I?
This is partially due to how busy school has been, and partially because I have been in a relationship. For around five months (just checked the calendar… it would have been five months tomorrow), I have had somebody to listen to my every thought and feeling. Unfortunately, by the end of the day, that will probably not be the case.
I have an exam to write tonight at 7:30 (who schedules exams that late?), so I can’t allow myself to feel the full weight of this decision yet, but I thought I would write this now in an effort to take the edge off the inevitable loneliness I will feel tonight. Maybe I will write a post later about why this relationship didn’t work out, but it isn’t a very interesting story, so maybe not. I am also still holding out hope that my girlfriend will say or do something tonight that will change my mind, but mainly so I can remain functional enough to write my final.
Anyways, I really need to get back to the exciting world of Linear Algebra.
Until then, keep breathing.