Lonely

I’ve been dealing with constant feelings of loneliness since my breakup last September. I miss always having someone around, someone to give me cuddles and buy me ice cream when I’m upset. To this day, I call my ex repeatedly in desperate attempts to feel anything close to those feelings, but she never responds.

And I should clarify that while I feel lonely, I am not alone. I have good relationships with my mom, my stepdad, and my sister. I’m thinking about distancing myself further from my dad, but that is what it is. I recently ended 2 important friendships, but I am still friends with people from school and have acquired a gaggle of gays to hang out with. There are people around me. I just don’t feel like they see me.

It has now been longer since my breakup than the relationship actually lasted, but it still affects me. I imagine I’ll have abandonment issues to work through for years to come. I am having fun going on dates, but when I think about having a girlfriend, I only want Jenn. Not even Jenn though. There were a million things wrong with our relationship that I ignored because I was in love. So I imagined a Jenn that doesn’t exist, and I still do that today. She brought a lot of negativity into my life, but for one brief second, she made me feel less alone.

I don’t think this post has any real thesis. Usually, when I sit down and write, my thoughts form some sort of coherent structure, but maybe that isn’t the case today. I guess the point is that I’m lonely and I miss Jenn and those things are very much related. I’m in a writing mood, so I might post again later. Until then,

Sarah

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The Ativan High Continues

TW: SUBSTANCE ABUSE, DEPRESSION, SUICIDE

In sake of full disclosure, I am extremely under the influence of excess Ativan/ Lorazepam.I took some more, and now I have bad a lot, but not  a dangerous amount.

I would like something very deep to come out of this post, but I doubt it.I am very, very, very, very happy that **This is when Sarah forgot what she was talking about and became unable to keep the conversation going or whether there is a mood that needs to be kept or anything,

My point is, I am in Hell, Lorazepam helps. Will probably want more later. I’m turning into the worst fucking influence. Didn’t step out into traffic today. Win!

Sarah

 

Note: I cannot comprehend anything about this posting at this point so I apologize ahead of time for the poor decisions in posting.

Today’s Dilemma

Right now, it is 10:13am on a Tuesday, and I am sitting at work reevaluating whether I want to remain in my current relationship.

My girlfriend and I have had problems throughout our relationship. We don’t communicate in the same ways, and this leads to a lot of confusion, frustration, and hurt feelings. I need a lot of verbal affection and validation, but she has never been great with words. When she says the wrong thing, or fails to say the right thing, it really affects me.

These issues came to a head in April, and we broke up. I felt that my needs were not being met, and that I was not happy in the relationship. My girlfriend came over one day later, and we had a long discussion that resulted in us getting back together. We decided to try to fix the problems in our relationship instead of giving up on it. We both committed to making some changes, and I attended a “Healthy Relationships” counseling group, where I learned strategies to communicate with my girlfriend more effectively.

For a while, this effort paid off and our relationship was going well. But recently, these old problems have begun to surface alongside some new ones.

A few days ago, I told my girlfriend that I felt she was becoming distant. At first, she claimed nothing was wrong, but she then told me that she had been thinking a lot about her future. She said she isn’t happy with her current life, and that she wants to travel and find what makes her happy after she graduates. I asked if she wants to be in a relationship when this happens; she said she doesn’t know.

For a little while, I have been feeling like my girlfriend doesn’t like me very much, and that she is only staying with me to avoid breaking up, as she has experienced a horrible breakup in the past. I thought these thoughts were caused by worsening depression, but I now suppose that they have some merit. I have no idea what my girlfriend sees in me, so her potential desire to leave the relationship makes sense.

I have my own reasons for wanting out of this relationship. I still feel that some of my needs aren’t being met. I am not told I am loved as often as I would like, and I can’t always count on my girlfriend to respond adequately when I am in a crisis. My girlfriend is a wonderful person, and she shows her affection in other ways, but these are things I need from a partner.

In addition, I feel somewhat stifled in this relationship. I am still figuring out who I am, but I’m afraid to explore this as long as I am with someone. I worry that I will become someone my girlfriend doesn’t like or isn’t attracted to. I am too afraid to venture outside my comfort zone, lest I cease to be the woman she fell in love with.

These fears aren’t completely unfounded. Once, when I expressed interest in getting a short haircut, my girlfriend told me she wouldn’t find it attractive. I was once planning to buy some pot and joked that I would start smoking everyday. My girlfriend said she would probably break up with me if I did. When I expressed my desire to perform stand-up comedy at a local bar, she laughed at me. These reactions made me want to stop changing, stop growing, in order to keep my relationship intact.

I love my girlfriend, but honestly, what scares me most about the possibility of breaking up is being alone. Not losing her specifically, but having no one. I would still have friends and family, but that isn’t the same. I wouldn’t have somebody to listen to my feelings at all hours of the day, and to bring me ice cream when my dad is getting a divorce, and to watch Game of Thrones in bed with me. I would feel completely and utterly alone in the world, and that scares the shit out of me.

Also, I have been looking forward to spending my birthday with my girlfriend all year, and it is finally less than a month away. As petty as this seems, it would suck to abandon that plan and instead spend my birthday alone.

Clearly, I love my girlfriend and I would miss her terribly if we broke up. This point seems too obvious to be worth expanding on.

Now I’m overanalyzing my decision to spend paragraphs detailing stupid reasons to remain in my relationship, and devoting two sentences to the only thing that matters. Since beginning to write this post, I have begun to more seriously consider breaking up. That sucks.

It’s 11:48am on a Tuesday (I had to do some intermittent real work while writing this), and I am sitting at work reevaluating whether I want to remain in my current relationship.

Sarah

Awkward… Getting Back Together

So I wrote an incredibly dramatic post (or three) the other day about breaking up with my girlfriend. The day after I wrote those posts and my linear algebra final, my girlfriend missed work to come to my house and talk things out. We ended up deciding to give our relationship one last shot.

The good news is that I am no longer horribly depressed and lonely. The bad news is that I have to have that “Never mind about all the drama the other day” conversation. I didn’t tell many people about my breakup, because I was busy trying to hold my shit together, but I have had to update my best friend, my roommate who heard me sobbing, and now, this blog.

Anyways, it is 1 in the morning and I need to get to sleep a few hours ago, but I felt the need to make this post before writing anything else. Regardless, I plan to write again in the near future. (Probably actually maybe this time)

Sarah

Break-Up

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Current emotions: numbness and linear algebra ^

I really am shit at keeping up with a blog, aren’t I?

This is partially due to how busy school has been, and partially because I have been in a relationship. For around five months (just checked the calendar… it would have been five months tomorrow), I have had somebody to listen to my every thought and feeling. Unfortunately, by the end of the day, that will probably not be the case.

I have an exam to write tonight at 7:30 (who schedules exams that late?), so I can’t allow myself to feel the full weight of this decision yet, but I thought I would write this now in an effort to take the edge off the inevitable loneliness I will feel tonight. Maybe I will write a post later about why this relationship didn’t work out, but it isn’t a  very interesting story, so maybe not. I am also still holding out hope that my girlfriend will say or do something tonight that will change my mind, but mainly so I can remain functional enough to write my final.

Anyways, I really need to get back to the exciting world of Linear Algebra.

Until then, keep breathing.

Sarah