In Transition

Today, a lot of things changed.

I moved out of a place I shared with my toxic best friend (whose best friend status is currently under evaluation). I moved in with 4 strangers whom I will live with during my final year of undergrad. Both my Summer courses began (I attended neither due to the move). I guess that’s not very many things, but it feels like everything.

I need my routines. My routines comfort me. My routines ground me in reality. But I’m in a new house now, and I’m taking different classes, so things will be different. My routines have to change.

This might sound bizarre, but I simultaneously feel like life isn’t real and that I’m falling off the edge of a cliff. I don’t know what to do with myself. What do I do tomorrow morning for breakfast? When do I shower? Do I need to prepare more for Wednesday’s classes? I just want to lie in bed on my laptop forever.

I was excited to use this Summer to fight my social anxiety, so I could be a happier person by Fall. And I still plan to do that. But everything feels so scary right now.

I can’t explain it. But I just feel so afraid. I’m afraid to socialize with the people in my house. I’m afraid of how my social situation will change as I rethink my closest friendship. I’m scared my Summer courses will be terrible, and that I’ll be miserable all Summer. I’m afraid to get a part-time job, and then have to do it. I’m afraid of finishing my undergrad next year. I’m scared to go to grad school, which will probably be in Germany. I’m scared to get a real job after that. I’m afraid of everything I’ll ever have to do for the rest of my life. And I thought facing my fears would feel liberating, but I’m remembering all these times I was forced to face them repeatedly and my anxiety did not improve. That’s where the depression sets in, where life starts feeling like a long list of things I don’t want to do. Usually, my efforts to avoid anxiety (like isolation) cause depression, so it’s a bummer when it’s caused by the anxiety itself. Like what am I supposed to do to live a full, happy life?

Clearly, my thoughts are now devolving into chaos, so I will take this opportunity to politely excuse myself from the internet.

Sarah

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Today is not a good day

TW: depression, suicidal thoughts

Maybe it’s all the Ativan I’ve been having lately, or maybe the stress of exams is wearing me down, but I just can’t do it today.

I’m alone in the world, and it’s the worst feeling there is. I keep texting my ex in a desperate attempt to have somebody, but she never responds. My roommate is being dramatic while her boyfriend coddles her as usual. Nobody else knows me well enough to care.

I am in so much pain and nobody is around to help or even recognize it. I kind of want to die, but I won’t because I have a cat and a sister and possibly a cool future career. But I desperately need someone.

Sarah

Feeling Positive

My desire to write is typically inversely correlated to my mood, turning my blog into a heap of depression. But right this second, I am feeling genuinely happy, and I want to write about it. This may be related to the fact that I should be studying, but regardless, here is happy Sarah.

I feel obligated to mention that objectively, my life hasn’t gotten much better. My roommate is out of the hospital, but our relationship is irreversibly damaged, and we have decided to live apart next year (aka May 1st). The Summer is a terrifying swirl of unknowns; I don’t know where I will live, where I will work, who I will hang out with, or whether I will enjoy my classes. So it’s an anxiety-provoking time, which conveniently follows a Wellbutrin increase (which is great for mood, not so much for anxiety). Blah blah negativity blah.

But today, right this moment, I feel happy. Maybe meditating for the past 6 days has caused me to achieve enlightenment, but I somehow doubt it.

Today is a snow day (because Canada), so I get to spend the day curled up in my apartment. If it didn’t lower my mood long-term, I would spend every day like this. Fortunately, I can enjoy this day indoors guilt-free with the certainty that I will resume my usual activities tomorrow.

I planned to go to the gym today, so I did something resembling a home workout with moderate kitten interference, because I want those gains. Then I showered and got right back into my cozy pajamas. Then I did my daily chores (feeding the cat, laying out tomorrow’s outfit, etc.) and meditated. The only thing left to accomplish today is studying for my midterm tomorrow, but I’m already feeling fairly confident about it.

So here I am, feeling clean and warm in my cozy pajamas, mindful and full of endorphins, hanging out with my cat and reading about commutative rings. Everything about this day brings me joy, which is something I haven’t felt in a while, so I want to appreciate it while it’s here.

I am facing very stressful situations later this week, and the uncertainties about the Summer will continue to cause anxiety, but right this second, I feel joy.

I don’t recognize myself and have strong urges to insert a bitter, cynical comment. But the things that make me cynical and bitter will still be around when this joy passes, so right now, I’m just going to enJOY it. I’m so funny.

Sarah

Feeling Really Low

TW: DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m tapering my Effexor. Maybe it’s because my roommate has been in the hospital for over a month and I’m living alone. But I am really not about my life right now.

I don’t want to die. I have future goals, and I want to do something meaningful before I shuffle off this mortal coil. (Why is depressed Sarah so fucking unbearable?) But I have few attachments to my current life.

Basically, if reincarnation was real, and I could take my sister and my cat with me, I’d be out of here.

I am growing increasingly resentful towards my roommate (despite the fact that it’s mostly unwarranted), and I am realizing I don’t really have anybody else. I have other friends, but nobody who would notice if I just stopped existing. My family would notice, but they’re more of a source of pain than they are a comfort. My sister is the exception, but she’s my baby sister, so I can’t bring myself to lean on her for support.

I keep packing a bag for the hospital, but I can’t bring myself to leave my cat and surrender control over my environment. I know that’s a much better option than dying, but my anxiety about death will probably keep me alive until this passes, if it ever does. So I take my chances at home.

Jenn used to care about me. I have reached out to her, despite the fact that she abandoned me in a horribly cruel way. I don’t have any better options. But she has ignored me too, so that’s cool.

I don’t know what the point of this is, but I hope you enjoy it. Hurray.

Sarah

February 22, 2017

TW: Depression, Suicide

Living is very difficult right now. My roommate is still in the hospital, and will now be there for AT LEAST 5 weeks total. I have an unbelievable amount of rage towards her, some of which is probably justified, and some of which is not.

Apparently I’ve been doing much worse than I thought. I e-mailed my counselor last night, saying I didn’t want to live anymore but that I would keep myself safe. I said I wasn’t requesting an appointment; I was merely seeking her guidance on which resources to access. She responded today asking if I was available for an appointment at 12:30. When I went in, she seemed more concerned than I had anticipated. She seemed especially worried about the episode of Hypomania that I had this morning. I have experienced milder hypomanic feelings in the past, but they were never severe enough to mention to my anyone. My counselor asked a lot of questions about this episode, and insisted that I tell my GP. Later, we discussed strategies for staying safe, including visiting the hospital if necessary. At one point during the appointment, my counselor asked if I thought I needed to go to the hospital “right now”. It was incredibly sobering. Of course, I declined this ever-so-inviting offer. Afterwards, she spoke with a receptionist at the Student Wellness Centre to ensure I would get an appointment with my GP tomorrow.

I had a great day outside of my appointment. I went to the gym, socialized, and went shopping. But still, I find myself wanting to die and feeling very agitated & angry about the situation with my roommate.

I have many more thoughts about all this, but the Ativan I took earlier is interfering with my ability to think. So I will go to sleep and update my blog soon. Again, I want to stress the fact that I am safe, thanks to my constant fear of death and some hope for a future that sucks less.

I hope everyone is well.

Sarah

I need a new living situation

I am currently on day 2 of tapering my meds, so I could very likely be overreacting right now. But I can’t deal with my roommate anymore, and this has been a common theme lately, to the point where I think I need to not live with her anymore.

Her mental health is a large problem, as is mine. The difference is, she seems to really enjoy the attention that comes from being sick, and doesn’t seem to be trying too hard to get better. And I am working hard every day to improve my health and my life. So in that regard, she’s a very negative influence in my life.

I honestly can’t tell if what happened today is that bad, but I feel really angry and upset. She’s on a day pass from the hospital she doesn’t need to be in, so she went to the gym with our mutual friend Lizz, they came back here, and now they’re going to the mall. They are both friends of mine and were in the same room as me discussing these plans while I sat on my laptop in sweatpants clearly not busy, and they didn’t invite me to join them. That seems petty as fuck, but even if I didn’t want somebody to join me in a similar situation, I would invite them just because it’s good fucking manners. I’ve told both of them that I’m having a rough time right now, but nobody asks how I’m doing, nobody thinks I might need to get out of the house. My roommate is the one being dramatic, but somehow she ends up with all the friends. I’m so over it.

I need to get out of this house. I need to get out of this school. I need to go somewhere where I am valued as a human being.

Sarah

Not a Real Post

TW: DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

As the title suggests, this isn’t a real post. This is me, lying in bed, feeling desperately alone and wanting to reach into the internet and pull out human connection. I’ve been incredibly depressed lately, and it only gets worse by the day. There’s no hope that a new pill or exercise regimen will make this go away, because my life is the problem. I have nobody and that makes me feel horribly alone and extremely anxious. I don’t want to live this life anymore. I miss last year, when I had somebody and I was happy. I am so far from happy. There are so many things I want to accomplish in my life, but I don’t want to continue living like this until I’m in a position where I can do that. Please don’t worry; I’m too terrified of death and worried about my cat to do anything. All I’m doing is wishing.

Sarah