I made weed cookies a couple of hours ago.
It took me a pathetic amount of time to get to my blog and begin writing this post. It is taking me a pathetic amount of time to write sentences. But none of this is the point. I mainly just don’t want to be judged for how bad this writing is.
My mood has been so much better for the past few days. I don’t know what happened. I mean, I have been eating more. And I am extremely motivated to keep myself safe, because one more overdose will almost guarantee me an inpatient admission. I downloaded a DBT Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) app. I’m going to my algebra lecture tomorrow (that’s the class I have with my ex), and I typed out a plan for the skills I plan to use before, during and after, and what I will do if I am in crisis. I’m exercising. I am doing ALL of the things.
Tonight, however, my mood is dipping a bit. For one, I ate cookies today, so I feel fat. I also definitely am gaining the weight I lost (really quickly). My roommate is at her boyfriend’s. When they spend time together, I get really upset because I remember what it was like to have somebody. So I am missing having a girlfriend, even though I am missing my actual ex less every day. (I actually have been so over her this week).
So I am just feeling low right now, and I want to do self-destructive things. But I won’t. I will not.
I have been terrified of myself for these past few days, because my counselor spent an hour the other day basically telling me there was no way I could keep myself safe. She thought I was being unreasonably optimistic that I would stop overdosing. So now, I fear the destructive state of mind as if it were another person who is trying to destroy me. Maybe that’s good? It doesn’t feel good.
Ooh I should hook up with a random person from Her. That’s lesbian tinder. I found tinder for lesbians, you guys!! I’m always too socially anxious to even talk to anybody, but being high calms that right down. They say, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. But like actually social anxiety, so no…
I still haven’t figured out whether I’m gay or bi. But I know that I am only interested in dating a woman right now. I’d be open to dating a guy if I meet one that I am interested in, but I would really prefer to date a woman right now. I think I might be bisexual but heteroromantic. There’s two “ro”s in a ro and it looks really strange right now. But I have definitely felt sexually attracted to men before. I wasn’t horribly attracted to any of my ex-boyfriends, but I don’t know. Leonardo DiCaprio. I think I’m a lesbian EXCEPT for Leonardo DiCaprio. But then I wonder if I only find male celebrities attractive because I’ve been expected to my whole life. But THEN I wonder if I like the attention or edginess or whatever of being gay, but I’m really not. My brain is an unfortunate place. I hate not having a label to use for myself. I tell people I’m gay… but in my mind, that kind of encompasses bi. But I don’t know, it feels right to call myself gay. I don’t even feel super comfortable with lesbian. But gay.
This might be a very long post. I feel like there is a 95% chance I feel embarrassed about this post tomorrow. But I just dropped my probability course, so what do I know?