Things are Hard

That’s what she said.

TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

I’m typing this on my phone while trying to fall asleep because I feel really shitty and I just need to talk about it. I talked about my ex in counselling today and have been sad ever since. It’s been 11 months since the breakup; when will this end?

I feel like I’ll never feel better, and I’ll always be in this much pain. I know my recent restriction is playing a role, so I need to stop doing that, but ugh.

Maybe I’ll feel differently after a couple days of eating more, but I don’t really want to live right now. There’s so much pain and it never ends. Everything is pain. But death is nothing and that’s scary so we won’t do that. But it seems like a decent deal from where I am.

I’m sorry for this depressing post.

Sarah

Sad

I know my blog is filled with negativity, and for that I apologize. These days, I actually am happy a lot of the time. But the motivation to write a new post often comes from feeling so miserable that I desperately seek some form of connection with other humans. So here I am.

I don’t know what it is. I haven’t been waking up (i. e. taking my meds) at the same time everyday, so maybe it’s that. I found out today that I might not be able to take a course I want to take next year. My sister went to the ER with suicidal thoughts last week. I have almost fully cut two close friends out of my life, so I am lonely af.

I probably feel so shitty because all these factors have culminated in a perfect storm of loneliness and misery. I have two peripheral friends that I am trying to get closer to, and I don’t really talk to anybody else. For a while, I was inexplicably okay with this, but I’m starting to feel so alone. And I feel the worst when I’m already miserable, because I just want to curl up in someone’s arms and have them cuddle me and make me feel better. I have called my ex as recently as last week, even though she never ever responds and I do not want that relationship back in any form. I just need someone. Anyone. I’m trying to be strong on my own but I am getting so tired.

Toronto Pride is this weekend, so I might meet new people. But I think I probably won’t. And I’m perceiving a pattern where people get to know me, realize how annoying I am, then leave. I can’t tell if it’s real, because it sounds like a classic social anxiety distortion, but the evidence is fairly convincing.

Sorry. I don’t even have the energy to write. I am just done. In a figurative sense. (I’m not in danger of harming blah blah blah)

Sarah

Today is not a good day

TW: depression, suicidal thoughts

Maybe it’s all the Ativan I’ve been having lately, or maybe the stress of exams is wearing me down, but I just can’t do it today.

I’m alone in the world, and it’s the worst feeling there is. I keep texting my ex in a desperate attempt to have somebody, but she never responds. My roommate is being dramatic while her boyfriend coddles her as usual. Nobody else knows me well enough to care.

I am in so much pain and nobody is around to help or even recognize it. I kind of want to die, but I won’t because I have a cat and a sister and possibly a cool future career. But I desperately need someone.

Sarah

Feeling Really Low

TW: DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m tapering my Effexor. Maybe it’s because my roommate has been in the hospital for over a month and I’m living alone. But I am really not about my life right now.

I don’t want to die. I have future goals, and I want to do something meaningful before I shuffle off this mortal coil. (Why is depressed Sarah so fucking unbearable?) But I have few attachments to my current life.

Basically, if reincarnation was real, and I could take my sister and my cat with me, I’d be out of here.

I am growing increasingly resentful towards my roommate (despite the fact that it’s mostly unwarranted), and I am realizing I don’t really have anybody else. I have other friends, but nobody who would notice if I just stopped existing. My family would notice, but they’re more of a source of pain than they are a comfort. My sister is the exception, but she’s my baby sister, so I can’t bring myself to lean on her for support.

I keep packing a bag for the hospital, but I can’t bring myself to leave my cat and surrender control over my environment. I know that’s a much better option than dying, but my anxiety about death will probably keep me alive until this passes, if it ever does. So I take my chances at home.

Jenn used to care about me. I have reached out to her, despite the fact that she abandoned me in a horribly cruel way. I don’t have any better options. But she has ignored me too, so that’s cool.

I don’t know what the point of this is, but I hope you enjoy it. Hurray.

Sarah

I need a new living situation

I am currently on day 2 of tapering my meds, so I could very likely be overreacting right now. But I can’t deal with my roommate anymore, and this has been a common theme lately, to the point where I think I need to not live with her anymore.

Her mental health is a large problem, as is mine. The difference is, she seems to really enjoy the attention that comes from being sick, and doesn’t seem to be trying too hard to get better. And I am working hard every day to improve my health and my life. So in that regard, she’s a very negative influence in my life.

I honestly can’t tell if what happened today is that bad, but I feel really angry and upset. She’s on a day pass from the hospital she doesn’t need to be in, so she went to the gym with our mutual friend Lizz, they came back here, and now they’re going to the mall. They are both friends of mine and were in the same room as me discussing these plans while I sat on my laptop in sweatpants clearly not busy, and they didn’t invite me to join them. That seems petty as fuck, but even if I didn’t want somebody to join me in a similar situation, I would invite them just because it’s good fucking manners. I’ve told both of them that I’m having a rough time right now, but nobody asks how I’m doing, nobody thinks I might need to get out of the house. My roommate is the one being dramatic, but somehow she ends up with all the friends. I’m so over it.

I need to get out of this house. I need to get out of this school. I need to go somewhere where I am valued as a human being.

Sarah

Not a Real Post

TW: DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

As the title suggests, this isn’t a real post. This is me, lying in bed, feeling desperately alone and wanting to reach into the internet and pull out human connection. I’ve been incredibly depressed lately, and it only gets worse by the day. There’s no hope that a new pill or exercise regimen will make this go away, because my life is the problem. I have nobody and that makes me feel horribly alone and extremely anxious. I don’t want to live this life anymore. I miss last year, when I had somebody and I was happy. I am so far from happy. There are so many things I want to accomplish in my life, but I don’t want to continue living like this until I’m in a position where I can do that. Please don’t worry; I’m too terrified of death and worried about my cat to do anything. All I’m doing is wishing.

Sarah

Breaking Point

TW: DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

Today was another bad day.

I woke up early. I did home work. I saw my counselor. I felt better.

Then the shit.

I remembered I’m fighting with/ not speaking to my best friend? I was so emotionally exhausted from worrying about her and taking care of her all week that when she overdosed, I called 911 and told her “There’s an ambulance on the way; way to go.” I know that’s fucking awful. But I feel like I have been taken advantage of/ emotionally manipulated all week. We are both going through a rough time right now, but somehow, I was forced into the role of caregiver. And she has plenty of people to take care of her (including her significant other). I have nobody. She was casually talking about killing herself to the point where I wasn’t eating and was popping Ativan every day. I reached my limit when I finally thought I could rest and instead had to call an ambulance again.

I invited a friend over so I would feel less lonely, and we got into a fight. It was about fucking politics. But not really. He has no empathy for the human race, and I have way too fucking much. He’s not super worried about Trump, which got me really angry, because people are afraid for their safety and other human rights but okay. I want to hug every single scared American right now, and he hardly seems to view them as people. I got angry, then he got angry, then he left.

I don’t have nearly enough friends to be doing this. I’m sort of friends with my best friend’s boyfriend, but not really. And sort of some people from the math department? But they’re really just friends with my best friend. I feel alone. I have had a horrific week and I feel alone.

Do you know how much emotional energy it takes to be dealing with your own poor mental health, be terrified your best friend is going to die all week, be hypervigilant at all times in case you need to do something for said friend lest she fucking dies, get school work done, all with no support, and end the week all fucking alone?

I thought about killing myself. I would leave my current life in a second. But I’ve been dreaming of a future life where things are better, and I still want that. Also, my fear of dying is still going strong. But mostly, suicide is out of the question because of my cat. I’m her mom. I can’t leave her all alone. Not to mention my roommate’s stupid cat. I can’t even go to the hospital because I have to take care of these fuckers.

I thought about hurting myself. But this past week has shown my how manipulative it can be to do something like that. It isn’t necessarily manipulative, but it can be. And I never want to make anybody feel the way I’ve been feeling.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up in four years with a Master’s degree and some decent friends and a different fucking president. I am in so much pain and I don’t have any decent options to soothe it.

So that’s it for now. I’m safe, by the way.

Sarah