Things are Hard

That’s what she said.

TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

I’m typing this on my phone while trying to fall asleep because I feel really shitty and I just need to talk about it. I talked about my ex in counselling today and have been sad ever since. It’s been 11 months since the breakup; when will this end?

I feel like I’ll never feel better, and I’ll always be in this much pain. I know my recent restriction is playing a role, so I need to stop doing that, but ugh.

Maybe I’ll feel differently after a couple days of eating more, but I don’t really want to live right now. There’s so much pain and it never ends. Everything is pain. But death is nothing and that’s scary so we won’t do that. But it seems like a decent deal from where I am.

I’m sorry for this depressing post.

Sarah

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Whoops

TW: ISH OVERDOSING BUT NOT REALLY

That should be the title of my autobiography. That or “Waiting for people to stop dicking around on the leg press”. Both equally sum up my general experience of living.

I got upset and made an oopsy. Not a big oopsy. Just a little one.

I took 2mg of Ativan when I’m supposed to take 0.5-1mg. Not a huge deal, but I’ll probably be falling asleep and spacing out all day tomorrow. This post may become unintelligible soon, but again, 2mg isn’t that much, so maybe not.

I feel like my body knows when I’ve taken things I shouldn’t have, because I am fairly nauseous. And even thinking about ODing makes me want to throw up sometimes.

Anyways, maybe I should get to what made me so upset. I mentioned feeling down earlier, and that feeling continued into the evening. At one point, my roommate started messaging me about how shitty she’s been feeling this past week, and how she wants to die. I’m always a shit person when my roommate has issues. It makes me unbearably anxious when anybody around me has a problem, so I tell myself they’re faking it for attention, and then I get to be mad instead of anxious. I caught myself doing that, but I’ve been able to keep it pretty rational. Whatever, that’s not relevant to the story. What set me off was my roommate’s boyfriend coming over to comfort her.

I know she is having a hard time. But I am so unbelievably jealous that she has somebody to comfort her when she’s upset and I don’t. I used to have that. Now I just feel like I’m drowning sometimes and nobody gives a fuck. And I know you can be in a relationship and still have problems, but I have the irrational feeling that everybody in a relationship should shut the fuck up about their problems because some of us are suffering alone. Some of us deal with everything you deal with, just without anybody who gives the tiniest shit about us. Do you know what I would give to have that?

I feel I should specify that I am not jealous because I want her boyfriend in particular. Not only am I fairly certain I’m gay at this point, but Kyle and I have a strange relationship. Our conversations are brief and a hybrid of mild discomfort and amicable joking. And I know more about his sex life and particularly his penis than I would prefer. It’s just what he represents.

Ugh, but I literally could have taken a half milligram or even a milligram and gotten the same effect without feeling like shit tomorrow. Oh well, live and learn.

I think this post is much more well-written than I expected it to be. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and change my mind, but that’s tomorrow Sarah’s problem.

Good night, homo sapiens

Sarah

We’re moping again

I am sad today.

I really don’t have a reason to be. Maybe it’s because I got high yesterday? More likely, it’s because I ended up thinking about my ex a lot yesterday. I went to meet a girl I’ve been talking to, and she was really cool, but I couldn’t help but compare the experience with meeting Jenn. It didn’t help matters that I had to take the bus past the stop where I used to get off to go to Jenn’s house.

When I met Jenn, everything happened so quickly. We hooked up the first time we really hung out, and a couple weeks of semicasual sex later, we were in a relationship. And I was completely crazy about her right from the beginning. I often found myself wondering why somebody so great would want to be with me. (The answer: She was irreparably emotionally damaged… and not in a good way) The girl I met with yesterday was great, but it wasn’t the same. And maybe it never will be the same. Maybe getting together with Jenn was the only time I’ll ever get to feel like that.

I should be ecstatic. I was yesterday. But instead, I’m wearing my favourite underwear and my sloth socks in hopes of cheering myself up.

I don’t really know what else to say about this. My painful trains of thought are typically much more elaborate, but this one isn’t. I just feel sad and I’m still thinking about that godforsaken breakup.

Sarah

Hello from the darkness

Hey internet friends,

I’m not in a super great place today, but that’s like half my life at this point, so I’m over it. I figured I would greet you from the void, and let you know what I’ve been up to.

The Fall term is almost finished, and I write my first of four finals next Monday. I feel pretty confident and caught up on the material. So that’s pretty good.

I’ve been seeing my family more often than usual, which will only increase during the holidays, so I guess I’m covering that base pretty decently.

I haven’t overdosed or self-harmed in around a month and a half (maybe two months?), and I am eating a varied and sufficient diet.

Oh, and I’ve been going to the gym. Yaaaaay endorphins.

Overall, things have been a LOT better than they were in September and October. But a feeling of loneliness constantly looms over me, and it often triggers a depression-loneliness-self-loathing spiral of doom. Currently, I am in one of those spirals. I hate studying and I hate going to the gym and I hate seeing friends and I can’t imagine feeling happy ever again. I feel completely alone and cut off from the world, and I’m pretty sure nobody loves me and nobody will ever love me and this will be the rest of my life and then I’ll die. But like whatever.

I miss her again. Not her exactly, but the way she made me feel in the beginning. This time last year, I was completely head over heels for my ex. We hung out everyday. We did other things everyday. We always wanted to be around each other. I felt things that I had never felt in my previous relationships. After January, everything went to hell, but last December was incredible.And this December won’t be.

I know it’s pathetic, but I am just desperate to feel that way again. I probably need to learn how to cope with loneliness instead of jumping into a new relationship, but that sounds difficult and unpleasant. So I swipe through the approximately 6 queer women on Tinder, hoping a message turns into a coffee date turns into something more.

I could work on building friendships instead, but there haven’t been many social events lately as everyone is studying for finals. And again, solid friendships won’t bring back the feeling I miss more than anything.

That’s about all I have to say, and I’m not really sure how to conclude this. There isn’t a happy ending or a silver lining… at least not yet. Essentially, I just wanted to vomit depression all over everybody. Sorry.

But I certainly feel hope that things might get better. And that’s enough for today. I’ll sit here in this hole until that “getting better” thing comes to fruition.

Until then, hello from the darkness!

Sarah

Old Unfinished Post: The 5 Stages of Relationship Grief

I wrote this half-post about a week after my ex broke up with me. I was able to analyze my initial emotional reactions to the breakup, and it was easy to map them onto the infamous stages of grief. But when I got closer to describing my present emotions, the categorization seemed much less clear. I think this is because I hadn’t yet processed these fresh feelings, so even putting a name to them was impossible.

Regardless of the reason, I abandoned the post, and it has been sitting alone in my “drafts” ever since. I don’t want to delete this record of my experience, so I figure I may as well post it.

Without further ado, I hereby present “The 5 Stages of Relationship Grief”

I am fortunate enough to have never had anyone close to me pass away.

So when I began to notice parallels between my feelings of heartbreak and the infamous “5 Stages of Grief”, I was reluctant to verbalize this or even validate it. What I am experiencing is “just a breakup” and is nothing compared to the devastation of losing someone.

When I met with my counselor last Wednesday, she provided me with the validation I denied myself. She told me that the brain reacts to breakups and grief in similar ways. I make no claims as to the comparative severity of my pain, as pain is subjective. I am only stating that my current struggle bears similarities to the grieving process.

I am currently experiencing my first heartbreak. What struck me about this process was that the pain existed in several “layers”. One painful feeling would pass only to be replaced by an emotion that was very different, yet equally painful. I feel like I am mourning several tragedies at once, never entirely sure which form tomorrow’s pain will take.

My emotions during this time align quite accurately with the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Experts say that these stages are not experienced linearly. They are not consecutive levels that, once beaten,  conclude with complete recovery. This is consistent with my experience. I move between the various emotions often and unpredictably.

So, here is a summary of what I have experienced since my ex-girlfriend broke up with me one week ago.

Anger

Surprisingly, my initial reaction to the breakup was anger. I immediately told my now-ex-girlfriend to gather her belongings and leave my house. I then proceeded to send her a slew of hateful text messages.I said things I am not proud of, consumed by a rage-fueled compulsion to inflict on her the pain she had just caused me.

Denial

The day of the breakup, I didn’t tell my parents. I cancelled our plans to have dinner with my mom the following day, but didn’t give a reason. My ex and I had broken up once in the past, and were back together within 24 hours. I did not desire to have the embarrassing “nevermind” conversation. I was constantly expecting a phone call, a knock on the door, a text message, some form of my girlfriend telling me she wished to reunite. That never came.

I began calling her obsessively, dozens of times in a row. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I would call her. When she blocked me on Facebook chat, I tried Google Hangouts. I sent her texts. I sent her e-mails. I couldn’t stop. In my mind, the woman who loved me and wanted to be with me was still there, and I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted that more than anything in the world.

Anger

When my attempts to contact my girlfriend went unanswered for days, I was forced to accept the fact that we would not be reconciling. This breakup was permanent. My anger returned, and so did the nasty texts.

Acceptance

At some point, I stopped caring about my ex. I resented the way she had handled our breakup, and I no longer wished to be with her. I felt empowered, and got excited about finding someone better.

Denial

One night, I became incredibly frustrated that I had not yet received a real explanation for the breakup. I knew I deserved this, and was going to get it.

Bargaining

 

Depression/ Anger

 

?

 

 

Sad

I’ve been posting a little bit less lately. At least I think that’s the case.

Regardless, I’ve been doing better. A lot better. And I tend to write less when that happens.

I’m really coming out the other side of this. It’s now been over two months since the breakup, and I think about it less every week. I’ve been eating enough, going to the gym, keeping up in school, and most importantly, staying out of the hospital.

But obviously, since I am posting today, something is wrong. And something is. But not really.

Nothing bad has happened. I have been to plenty of social events this past week. I’m doing well in school. The weather has been nice. I no longer miss ex girlfriend or the relationship I had with her, because I can see how toxic and unpleasant it was. But I’m still sad.

Maybe it’s because it’s been almost exactly one year since I met her. Maybe it’s because I had an extra lecture with her this week. Maybe it’s because I’m on my period. But I just feel really… sad.

I guess I’m disappointed that things turned out the way they did. I felt so much excitement when my relationship was beginning, and even though it went to shit by January, I grieve for the relationship I thought I would have and for the person I thought my ex was.

That relationship felt so special, that I still sometimes have trouble believing that it ended. Part of me really thought I would end up with this girl. And while I certainly no longer want that, I feel so horribly sad for the girl a few months ago who did.

I don’t know if this makes any sense. But I hope everyone is well and I’ll try to write again soon (maybe even without being sad!).

Sarah

Bad Day

Basically what it sounds like; my day was shit.

I woke up ill-prepared for the Algebra midterm I had to write at 3:30. I had a doctor’s appointment, then studied, then attended a friend’s talk on Graph Theory, studied again, then headed towards the building where I would write my test.

Not only is Algebra my most difficult class; it is also the class my ex is in. The anxiety of seeing her compounded the already-high anxiety about the midterm, and it wasn’t fun. We ended up entering the building at around the same time, which is when I decided it was high time to take a half-milligram of Ativan. The second half-milligram was taken immediately after the test, when I no longer required cognitive abilities but was acutely aware of my poor performance.

I should mention that there is a Math and Stats Pub night currently taking place at my local pub. I know that sounds incredibly boring, but it’s a lot of fun, and there’s free appetizers. I have been planning on going for weeks because I’m working hard on being more social. I found out this morning that my ex (who is also in the Math department) was planning on going with a little posse she had assembled, undoubtedly as a power move to stake her territory with Math people. I know I sound ridiculous, but she NEVER wanted to go out when we were together. Why would she lobby her friends so hard to go with her? It’s just a little suspicious.

But anyways, I ended up not going, because of fuck that shit. At first, I planned to hold my ground and go to pub night anyways, but nobody I know is going, and I can’t look pathetic by myself while she laughs with her stupid friends. I have actually been really pissed about this all day.

I am aware that my current mental state is 80% caused by lack of sleep, 10% caused by academic stress, and maaaaaaybe 10% caused by my ex being an asshole. I have been feeling great these past few days, and I am more over my ex than ever. But today, I find myself wanting to do very destructive things (that I won’t do, don’t worry).

Anyways, time for me to go to bed.

Sarah