July 9th, 2017

Once again, it has been a while. I haven’t had anything incredibly meaningful to write about; I’ve just been living life. Getting up in the morning, eating, doing chores, and going to bed. Lots of times. But I’ve stumbled across some extra time, so I figured I would provide an update on what’s going on in my life.

Things are generally going well; I’m still the happiest I’ve been in quite a while. I’m taking one Summer course and managed to land a super easy, fun job. I have stumbled upon a group of queer friends to hang out with, so I’m feeling a lot less lonely. But I do still miss being in a relationship. That being said, I am completely over my previous relationship with Jenn. With every passing day, I realize how much I was settling to avoid being alone.

I am (ideally) going into my final year of undergrad this Fall. I need to take a full course load both to pull it off, but I think I can do it. This also means applying for grad school in a few months, which makes me want to crap my pants. I’m looking to study in Germany, which is really excited as a faraway dream and really terrifying as an approaching reality. And after that, I will need to get a real job. And what if I change my mind about my career path? What then? I want to work as a public policy analyst, but I’m having doubts about working for the Canadian government. The more I learn about colonialism, the more the Canadian government seems like an illegitimate, unethical institution. But the point of my chosen career is that I think I can enact more change from the inside, so maybe it’s better to work on Indigenous issues from within the government. I don’t know.

I’ve still been having a lot of anxiety about the prospect of being bisexual instead of a lesbian. But I’ve been working on breaking down my internalized biphobia, so I feel a lot better about it. I still don’t know whether I am attracted to men, but I’m okay with not knowing. Whatever man-made label most accurately describes my complex human reality, I am part of the queer community and I love it. And I love myself.

That’s really it for now. I’m starting to feel a little depressed and out of it for no good reason, so I’m going to try being productive as that often makes me feel better.

Hope everybody is doing well,

Sarah

A Positive Update

Hello, the internet.

I’ve definitely been neglecting this blog lately. Whoops. Cue the usual “I’ve been busy/ I’m low-key a piece of shit/etc” thing. Formalities, formalities, blah, formalities.

I was eager to get right into this post, but now I don’t know where to start. To be honest, I’m not writing this because anything especially update-worthy has happened recently. Although, now that I think about it, that’s true. But I am writing this evening because I finished my evening routines a little earlier than usual and I still have some time before the Seroquel knocks me out.

Typically, I am motivated to blog by misery. So I guess it’s a good thing that tonight I’m writing because of happenstance instead. Because I actually have some really great things to share.

Good Thing #1: I am a happy person.

Okay, I don’t know for sure what it means to be a happy person, because I’ve never been one, but I’m certainly not a sad person anymore. And it’s a really weird feeling, but it’s a good weird feeling. I’ve been fighting mental illness for so long that it has become my identity. I was the sad, cynical, sarcastic, beautifully-broken asshole. I’m still a sarcastic asshole, and I am acutely aware of the problems in the world, but I also have a sense of purpose to solve those problems and the hope that it can be done. I don’t know if it’s the daily meditating (yes, I’m that person), challenging my social anxiety, or making Dominique a smaller part of my life. But whatever the reason, I’m pretty pleased.

Good Thing #2: I am dating.

For a while, I got stuck in a pattern of ending my contact with someone as soon as there was any potential for anything. My therapist said I was scared of getting hurt again, which sounds better than me lacking any social capabilities, so I’ll take it. Eventually, I gave up on dating altogether. At one point, I was going to casually sleep with one of my guy friends just to feel some shitty, bootlegged version of love for ten minutes. But recently, I’ve really been trying to put myself out there and meet people. I went on a date recently, and the plan is for us to go out again. I don’t know for sure what I want at this point, but I’m having fun. So, there’s that.

Good Thing #3: I got a job today.

This is actually amazing, but I don’t think my excitement level accurately reflects it yet. Just getting a job is a miracle and a huge financial relief. But it involves limited contact with other people, and actually sounds really fun. I’ve had jobs that I have “liked” in the sense that I was able to experience moments of happiness while working at them. But I think I will ACTUALLY like this job. Like the people in TV shows that I never relate to. You like the thing you’re forced to do at a desk for half your waking hours? Okay…

But yeah, finding a job means my Summer is figured out, and now I just have to do the things for a few months.
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I actually feel so grateful for where my life is right now. For the first time in a long time, things are going well. Eight months ago, I was constantly suicidal, and now I’m here. I can function in school and can find employment. I go to social things and enjoy them. I spend my time talking to people who want happiness as much as I do. I’m doing all the things. I’m really doing them.

Now, I don’t mean to suggest that I have cured myself of all mental illness with the power of positive thinking. More accurately, I have greatly reduced my symptoms of mental illness to a level where I can function, by working very hard for a very long time. I’ve been eating well (and enough). I’ve been going to the gym. I’ve been meditating, despite not really loving it. I made the terrifying decision to move out of my old place. I am pushing myself to endure anxiety-provoking situations many times per week. And at some point, all these actions got me somewhere pretty cool.

It has taken me quite a while to write this, and by now the Seroquel HAS kicked in, so that’s all for tonight. Hopefully I’ll have more good updates soon.

Sarah

Maybe an update?

I wrote another post like five seconds ago, but I enjoyed writing it, so I thought I would write another. I haven’t blogged much lately. I started a new journal, so I’ve been writing in it a lot, and it feels redundant to put my thoughts into my journal only to rewrite them here. But I’m sad today, so here we are.

I don’t even know what this post is. An update? Sort of, I guess. I just want to spill my thoughts and do not intend to organize them very well. Maybe I have been journalling too much.

I’m falling behind on schoolwork even though I started the term ahead. I have been slacking on my readings, and the farther behind I get, the greater the urge to avoid. I am hoping to turn that around today, but we’ll see.

Oh, I started a ballet class last week. It’s just a beginner/ intermediate class at my university’s athletic centre, but it’s pretty cool. That’s actually a lie; last week sucked. It was way more difficult than expected, and trying to keep up left me tired and self-conscious. I could hardly move for 3 days afterwards. But I like ballet, and I would love to see my technique improve, so I will continue to go.

I have been really anxious about Donald Trump, so much so that I don’t really want to write about it. I also feel like a piece of shit for missing the Women’s March in my city.

That’s all I feel like writing right now. I am sorry about how shitty this post is, but not quite sorry enough to fix it.

Sarah

Yet Another Update

Again, it has been a while.

I really need to work on this “having a blog” thing. This would involve not dropping my laptop on cement and doing anything productive on the weekends. Anyways, I don’t remember exactly when I last posted here, but some things have certainly changed since.

After a long, anxiety-provoking, self-hatred-inducing job search, I finally landed a Summer Student position in the office of a non-profit. I believe my position is being funded by Canada Summer Jobs, so thank you Mr. Trudeau. I don’t hate working here, and sometimes, I even enjoy it. Needless to say, that makes this the best job I have ever had. Despite the monotony and lack of free-time that come with 9-5 work, I do enjoy the routine. And being able to work actually makes me like myself a little bit. Obviously, it is also nice that I can pay off last year’s tuition in time to register for this year’s classes.

I have also moved out of my dad’s house, and have been living in a basement apartment with my best friend for almost a month now. I can’t begin to describe how much happier I am to have my own space. Home actually feels like a warm, secure place now. I no longer have to strain to get along with my passive-aggressive stepmom, or constantly fear irrational anger from my dad.

In the past month or so, I have started two new medications. First, I started taking Lyrica. (I was told I would be prescribed Gabapentin, but allegedly they’re very similar medications for Fibromyalgia with off-label anxiety uses so whatever) I think this helped to control my anxiety, but my depression worsened when I began working. I am enjoying my job as something temporary, but being around my real-adult coworkers made me realize that one day I will likely be doing this for the rest of my life. Showing up to an office everyday for decades just feels horribly unfulfilling, so this line of thought lowered my mood considerably. I was then prescribed Welbutrin as an addition to my Effexor/ Lyrica cocktail. Welbutrin ruined my sleep for about a week, but I think it’s working well now, and I am feeling good.

That’s it for updates today. I am actually at work right now, pretending to be busy as I type this post into an e-mail I will send to myself to upload later. I have had little to do today, a definite anomaly, so I promise all my talk about enjoying my job is genuine. Anyways, my new laptop has arrived at my dad’s house, so I will be able to post again soon, ideally on my own time.
Sarah

New Year Blues- A Real Update

Hey, everybody.

It is probably about time that I post an actual update, so here I am. As I mentioned in my previous (alcohol-fuelled) post, I intended to blog a lot over the Winter holidays, but I did not. I am two weeks in to a new school term and am getting busier by the day, but I hope to prioritize this blog a little bit more in the coming months.

Over the past two weeks, I have suffered from worse-than-usual depression. My life is incredible right now, so it is very confusing to feel this way. I just have days when nothing, not interesting classes, not social events, not even my incredible girlfriend, seems to bring me joy. On these days, I am convinced that I am a burden to everyone around me, and that I will never achieve a truly happy life. My doctor has increased my dose of Effexor, so the hope is that this medication change will help.

I have started to wonder whether this depression is seasonal. I was incredibly depressed at this time last year, but I was also experiencing a relapse into my eating disorder, so I assumed that this was merely a side-effect of malnourishment and of watching my life crumble around me again. My first severe Major Depressive episode, which left me sleeping past noon everyday and failing/nearly failing all my classes, occurred at this time two years ago. I remember dreading Winter every year in high school, because while I was not aware that I suffered from Depression, I knew that the dark, cold days from December to March left me feeling really down.

Fortunately, I am still feeling well enough to fight my Depression by attending social events, signing up for therapy groups, and going to class. I consider this to be immeasurably important.

Unfortunately, restriction has started to creep in as my insecurities about my body become harder to cope with, and the “high” I experience when I lose weight seems increasingly attractive. I am not restricting enough at this point to damage my health, but I do need to turn this around before it gets worse.

So this is my update. I hope it doesn’t seem too pessimistic, because I hold a lot of hope that my mood will improve and that I will remain on track with my recovery. I hope everyone is well, and I will try to write again really soon.

Sarah

Poignant Drunk Update

The following is a short post I wrote last week while intoxicated. I had been pre-drinking before meeting friends at a bar and used my extra time to create this gem.

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I meant to post a lot over my Winter break. I meant to at least post at all.

But I did not. So now that I am inebriated and have some time to kill, I will update you all. Side note: pre-drinking is a great idea when you’re poor, but pace yourself or you end up drunk before you leave your house. Oops.

I am going to apologize now for my spelling, my grammar, and the overall flow of my writing. Ethanol is ruining it.

Well, apparently I am supposed to leave now.

Update, and my Sad Dream

Hey guys,

I know that I haven’t been posting as much lately; I have been pretty busy with school and work. Both of those things are going really well, though.

Unfortunately, my eating has not been going well. This makes me not want to post, because anything I write would probably either by dishonest or triggering. It is quite possible, however, that things will turn around again soon, so there’s that.

That is about all that is happening in my life right now. Before I wrap this post up, I wanted to talk about a really sad dream I had last night.

I was somehow able to go back in time and talk to my three-year-old self. She was smiling and playing, as three-year-olds do. I went right up to her and said, “You have no idea that you’re going to develop Anorexia.” Of course she didn’t know what that word meant, so she just smiled at me and continued playing. I don’t remember feeling much of anything while having this dream, but thinking about it today, I am realizing how profoundly sad it was.

There was no moral to that story; I guess I just wanted to spread the misery around a little bit.

Anyways, I hope everybody is doing well.

Sarah