Today’s Dilemma

Right now, it is 10:13am on a Tuesday, and I am sitting at work reevaluating whether I want to remain in my current relationship.

My girlfriend and I have had problems throughout our relationship. We don’t communicate in the same ways, and this leads to a lot of confusion, frustration, and hurt feelings. I need a lot of verbal affection and validation, but she has never been great with words. When she says the wrong thing, or fails to say the right thing, it really affects me.

These issues came to a head in April, and we broke up. I felt that my needs were not being met, and that I was not happy in the relationship. My girlfriend came over one day later, and we had a long discussion that resulted in us getting back together. We decided to try to fix the problems in our relationship instead of giving up on it. We both committed to making some changes, and I attended a “Healthy Relationships” counseling group, where I learned strategies to communicate with my girlfriend more effectively.

For a while, this effort paid off and our relationship was going well. But recently, these old problems have begun to surface alongside some new ones.

A few days ago, I told my girlfriend that I felt she was becoming distant. At first, she claimed nothing was wrong, but she then told me that she had been thinking a lot about her future. She said she isn’t happy with her current life, and that she wants to travel and find what makes her happy after she graduates. I asked if she wants to be in a relationship when this happens; she said she doesn’t know.

For a little while, I have been feeling like my girlfriend doesn’t like me very much, and that she is only staying with me to avoid breaking up, as she has experienced a horrible breakup in the past. I thought these thoughts were caused by worsening depression, but I now suppose that they have some merit. I have no idea what my girlfriend sees in me, so her potential desire to leave the relationship makes sense.

I have my own reasons for wanting out of this relationship. I still feel that some of my needs aren’t being met. I am not told I am loved as often as I would like, and I can’t always count on my girlfriend to respond adequately when I am in a crisis. My girlfriend is a wonderful person, and she shows her affection in other ways, but these are things I need from a partner.

In addition, I feel somewhat stifled in this relationship. I am still figuring out who I am, but I’m afraid to explore this as long as I am with someone. I worry that I will become someone my girlfriend doesn’t like or isn’t attracted to. I am too afraid to venture outside my comfort zone, lest I cease to be the woman she fell in love with.

These fears aren’t completely unfounded. Once, when I expressed interest in getting a short haircut, my girlfriend told me she wouldn’t find it attractive. I was once planning to buy some pot and joked that I would start smoking everyday. My girlfriend said she would probably break up with me if I did. When I expressed my desire to perform stand-up comedy at a local bar, she laughed at me. These reactions made me want to stop changing, stop growing, in order to keep my relationship intact.

I love my girlfriend, but honestly, what scares me most about the possibility of breaking up is being alone. Not losing her specifically, but having no one. I would still have friends and family, but that isn’t the same. I wouldn’t have somebody to listen to my feelings at all hours of the day, and to bring me ice cream when my dad is getting a divorce, and to watch Game of Thrones in bed with me. I would feel completely and utterly alone in the world, and that scares the shit out of me.

Also, I have been looking forward to spending my birthday with my girlfriend all year, and it is finally less than a month away. As petty as this seems, it would suck to abandon that plan and instead spend my birthday alone.

Clearly, I love my girlfriend and I would miss her terribly if we broke up. This point seems too obvious to be worth expanding on.

Now I’m overanalyzing my decision to spend paragraphs detailing stupid reasons to remain in my relationship, and devoting two sentences to the only thing that matters. Since beginning to write this post, I have begun to more seriously consider breaking up. That sucks.

It’s 11:48am on a Tuesday (I had to do some intermittent real work while writing this), and I am sitting at work reevaluating whether I want to remain in my current relationship.



Awkward… Getting Back Together

So I wrote an incredibly dramatic post (or three) the other day about breaking up with my girlfriend. The day after I wrote those posts and my linear algebra final, my girlfriend missed work to come to my house and talk things out. We ended up deciding to give our relationship one last shot.

The good news is that I am no longer horribly depressed and lonely. The bad news is that I have to have that “Never mind about all the drama the other day” conversation. I didn’t tell many people about my breakup, because I was busy trying to hold my shit together, but I have had to update my best friend, my roommate who heard me sobbing, and now, this blog.

Anyways, it is 1 in the morning and I need to get to sleep a few hours ago, but I felt the need to make this post before writing anything else. Regardless, I plan to write again in the near future. (Probably actually maybe this time)


Break-Up Part 3

What the hell? Let’s write another post. It’s not like I’m doing anything more productive with my time, anyways.

I am really struggling right now. When I initially decided to end my relationship, I felt numb, and I was counting on that numbness to continue until after I wrote my exam. But that is not what is happening. I am overwhelmed with how horribly depressed and lonely I feel. Every second is painfully long. I check my phone every five minutes, expecting Jenn to text me, but she hasn’t, and she won’t.

I find myself hating everyone and everything, I am disappointed with the direction my life has taken, and I don’t know how I am g0ing to survive this. In theory, things will get better, but how long will that take? And how will I make it until then? How will I make it until 7:30, when my exam is scheduled to begin?

I apologize for how depressing this post is. I just don’t know what to do with everything I am feeling, and writing in my journal feels useless, so I am posting here. I hope somebody out there reads this, if only so I can feel some sort of connection to anybody anywhere.

I know it’s “just a breakup”, and I will feel better eventually, but I am having a really fucking hard time right now.





Current emotions: numbness and linear algebra ^

I really am shit at keeping up with a blog, aren’t I?

This is partially due to how busy school has been, and partially because I have been in a relationship. For around five months (just checked the calendar… it would have been five months tomorrow), I have had somebody to listen to my every thought and feeling. Unfortunately, by the end of the day, that will probably not be the case.

I have an exam to write tonight at 7:30 (who schedules exams that late?), so I can’t allow myself to feel the full weight of this decision yet, but I thought I would write this now in an effort to take the edge off the inevitable loneliness I will feel tonight. Maybe I will write a post later about why this relationship didn’t work out, but it isn’t a  very interesting story, so maybe not. I am also still holding out hope that my girlfriend will say or do something tonight that will change my mind, but mainly so I can remain functional enough to write my final.

Anyways, I really need to get back to the exciting world of Linear Algebra.

Until then, keep breathing.


Dating a Woman?

This post will not be eating disorder-related, which is actually a good indication that my recovery is going well. I plan to write a post about that soon. This post will be about my recent journey in exploring my sexuality, and the exciting turn this journey has recently taken.

I will start with a quick background:

My first crush was on a boy named Gavin in my third grade class. Since Gavin, I have experienced countless crushes on boys and men, and continue to get these feelings now. However, when I was 12 years old, I began to think I might be attracted to women. I had feelings towards some of my female friends that felt different than feelings of friendship. I considered myself a Christian at the time, and these “sinful” desires TERRIFIED me. I would pray multiple times a day that I was not bisexual. At some point, I was sufficiently convinced that I was straight, and elected to never question my sexuality again. At the time, I thought that thinking about my sexual orientation too hard might change it, and that any deviation from “straight” would be a negative change. I lived the next several years of my life wholly convinced of my straight-ness. At one point, I did not even desire female friendship, and the idea of sleeping with a woman disgusted me. I now attribute these extreme feelings to internalized misogyny, and possibly an overcorrection from an attraction towards women.

It has now been over 2 years since I left the church, and slightly longer since my views on the LGBTQ+ community changed. After telling myself and others that I was straight for so many years, I continued to believe it for a while. But in the past few months, I have begun to explore my feelings towards women.

A few months ago, I told my friend that I thought a friend of hers (let’s call her J) was attractive. I didn’t expect anything to come of it, even when my friend told J about my feelings. Earlier this week, I was told that J wanted to meet me, because she’d been told about me yet we had never spoken in person. We met and talked for a while, and I really enjoyed myself. J is cool and interesting and so pretty. We began texting, then made plans for a date this weekend, then hung out and talked again today. This is all happening so fast, but it feels so right, and I am ridiculously smitten.

I don’t want to rush to label myself again.  I am still not 100% sure whether I am attracted to women in general. And if I am, there are still multiple labels to choose from. But I do know that I am attracted to this girl, and that is really, really exciting.