Hey internet friends,
I’m not in a super great place today, but that’s like half my life at this point, so I’m over it. I figured I would greet you from the void, and let you know what I’ve been up to.
The Fall term is almost finished, and I write my first of four finals next Monday. I feel pretty confident and caught up on the material. So that’s pretty good.
I’ve been seeing my family more often than usual, which will only increase during the holidays, so I guess I’m covering that base pretty decently.
I haven’t overdosed or self-harmed in around a month and a half (maybe two months?), and I am eating a varied and sufficient diet.
Oh, and I’ve been going to the gym. Yaaaaay endorphins.
Overall, things have been a LOT better than they were in September and October. But a feeling of loneliness constantly looms over me, and it often triggers a depression-loneliness-self-loathing spiral of doom. Currently, I am in one of those spirals. I hate studying and I hate going to the gym and I hate seeing friends and I can’t imagine feeling happy ever again. I feel completely alone and cut off from the world, and I’m pretty sure nobody loves me and nobody will ever love me and this will be the rest of my life and then I’ll die. But like whatever.
I miss her again. Not her exactly, but the way she made me feel in the beginning. This time last year, I was completely head over heels for my ex. We hung out everyday. We did other things everyday. We always wanted to be around each other. I felt things that I had never felt in my previous relationships. After January, everything went to hell, but last December was incredible.And this December won’t be.
I know it’s pathetic, but I am just desperate to feel that way again. I probably need to learn how to cope with loneliness instead of jumping into a new relationship, but that sounds difficult and unpleasant. So I swipe through the approximately 6 queer women on Tinder, hoping a message turns into a coffee date turns into something more.
I could work on building friendships instead, but there haven’t been many social events lately as everyone is studying for finals. And again, solid friendships won’t bring back the feeling I miss more than anything.
That’s about all I have to say, and I’m not really sure how to conclude this. There isn’t a happy ending or a silver lining… at least not yet. Essentially, I just wanted to vomit depression all over everybody. Sorry.
But I certainly feel hope that things might get better. And that’s enough for today. I’ll sit here in this hole until that “getting better” thing comes to fruition.
Until then, hello from the darkness!