July 9th, 2017

Once again, it has been a while. I haven’t had anything incredibly meaningful to write about; I’ve just been living life. Getting up in the morning, eating, doing chores, and going to bed. Lots of times. But I’ve stumbled across some extra time, so I figured I would provide an update on what’s going on in my life.

Things are generally going well; I’m still the happiest I’ve been in quite a while. I’m taking one Summer course and managed to land a super easy, fun job. I have stumbled upon a group of queer friends to hang out with, so I’m feeling a lot less lonely. But I do still miss being in a relationship. That being said, I am completely over my previous relationship with Jenn. With every passing day, I realize how much I was settling to avoid being alone.

I am (ideally) going into my final year of undergrad this Fall. I need to take a full course load both to pull it off, but I think I can do it. This also means applying for grad school in a few months, which makes me want to crap my pants. I’m looking to study in Germany, which is really excited as a faraway dream and really terrifying as an approaching reality. And after that, I will need to get a real job. And what if I change my mind about my career path? What then? I want to work as a public policy analyst, but I’m having doubts about working for the Canadian government. The more I learn about colonialism, the more the Canadian government seems like an illegitimate, unethical institution. But the point of my chosen career is that I think I can enact more change from the inside, so maybe it’s better to work on Indigenous issues from within the government. I don’t know.

I’ve still been having a lot of anxiety about the prospect of being bisexual instead of a lesbian. But I’ve been working on breaking down my internalized biphobia, so I feel a lot better about it. I still don’t know whether I am attracted to men, but I’m okay with not knowing. Whatever man-made label most accurately describes my complex human reality, I am part of the queer community and I love it. And I love myself.

That’s really it for now. I’m starting to feel a little depressed and out of it for no good reason, so I’m going to try being productive as that often makes me feel better.

Hope everybody is doing well,

Sarah

February 22, 2017

TW: Depression, Suicide

Living is very difficult right now. My roommate is still in the hospital, and will now be there for AT LEAST 5 weeks total. I have an unbelievable amount of rage towards her, some of which is probably justified, and some of which is not.

Apparently I’ve been doing much worse than I thought. I e-mailed my counselor last night, saying I didn’t want to live anymore but that I would keep myself safe. I said I wasn’t requesting an appointment; I was merely seeking her guidance on which resources to access. She responded today asking if I was available for an appointment at 12:30. When I went in, she seemed more concerned than I had anticipated. She seemed especially worried about the episode of Hypomania that I had this morning. I have experienced milder hypomanic feelings in the past, but they were never severe enough to mention to my anyone. My counselor asked a lot of questions about this episode, and insisted that I tell my GP. Later, we discussed strategies for staying safe, including visiting the hospital if necessary. At one point during the appointment, my counselor asked if I thought I needed to go to the hospital “right now”. It was incredibly sobering. Of course, I declined this ever-so-inviting offer. Afterwards, she spoke with a receptionist at the Student Wellness Centre to ensure I would get an appointment with my GP tomorrow.

I had a great day outside of my appointment. I went to the gym, socialized, and went shopping. But still, I find myself wanting to die and feeling very agitated & angry about the situation with my roommate.

I have many more thoughts about all this, but the Ativan I took earlier is interfering with my ability to think. So I will go to sleep and update my blog soon. Again, I want to stress the fact that I am safe, thanks to my constant fear of death and some hope for a future that sucks less.

I hope everyone is well.

Sarah

January 30th, 2017

I think I might start titling my blog posts by date. Then I feel less pressure to unify the entry into one cohesive topic. It can be like writing in my journal. Just without the hand cramps.

I might change my mind about this, but I’ll go with it for now. Anyways, the world is going to hell, so there’s that.

I follow American politics to a strange degree. I take pride in knowing what is happening in the world. But this week, I have consciously avoided my Facebook home page and my YouTube subscription box. I usually watch dozens of news videos a day. Now, I watch nearly an entire season of Friends. My mental health isn’t great right now, and these steps are necessary if I want to prevent a breakdown.

I feel like a piece of shit even saying these things, because the world has been shitty for a lot of people long before today. Thousands of people are dying of hunger daily. Thousands of civilians are being wounded and killed in the Middle East. North Koreans are living under the brutally oppressive regime of Kim Jong Un. But now that white people are suffering, of course I finally decide to care.

But I do care, and I can’t stop caring. As a Canadian, the shooting of the mosque in Quebec City literally hit close to home. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. Somebody had so much hatred for people who prayed in a way he didn’t like (and let’s be real, had a darker skin tone than he would have preferred), that he thought they deserved to die. Of course, that shooter was a Trump supporter.

The situation is much more dire in the United States. There is actually a ban on Muslims entering the country. Trump actually did that. (More accurately, there is a ban on citizens from certain Muslim-majority countries from entering the US, and Middle Eastern Christians are being prioritized over Muslims.) Entry of Syrian refugees has halted. Trump is effectively issuing international death sentences as I type this; people are going to die. And I know people died under Obama’s foreign policy while I sat idly by, but I am saying something now.

I feel a cloud of dread looming over me constantly. I feel like things are about to get much, much worse. I keep thinking about what it must have been like in the late 1930s. Is this how it felt to watch Hitler’s rise to power? Comparing one’s political opponents (or any kind of opponents, for that matter) to Nazis is extremely overdone and hardly ever appropriate. But replace the word “Muslims” with “Jews” in many of Trump’s statements, and they start sounding horrifically familiar.

I am falling asleep as I write this, so it’s time for me to go to sleep. But shit. It’s a brave new world out there.