February 22, 2017

TW: Depression, Suicide

Living is very difficult right now. My roommate is still in the hospital, and will now be there for AT LEAST 5 weeks total. I have an unbelievable amount of rage towards her, some of which is probably justified, and some of which is not.

Apparently I’ve been doing much worse than I thought. I e-mailed my counselor last night, saying I didn’t want to live anymore but that I would keep myself safe. I said I wasn’t requesting an appointment; I was merely seeking her guidance on which resources to access. She responded today asking if I was available for an appointment at 12:30. When I went in, she seemed more concerned than I had anticipated. She seemed especially worried about the episode of Hypomania that I had this morning. I have experienced milder hypomanic feelings in the past, but they were never severe enough to mention to my anyone. My counselor asked a lot of questions about this episode, and insisted that I tell my GP. Later, we discussed strategies for staying safe, including visiting the hospital if necessary. At one point during the appointment, my counselor asked if I thought I needed to go to the hospital “right now”. It was incredibly sobering. Of course, I declined this ever-so-inviting offer. Afterwards, she spoke with a receptionist at the Student Wellness Centre to ensure I would get an appointment with my GP tomorrow.

I had a great day outside of my appointment. I went to the gym, socialized, and went shopping. But still, I find myself wanting to die and feeling very agitated & angry about the situation with my roommate.

I have many more thoughts about all this, but the Ativan I took earlier is interfering with my ability to think. So I will go to sleep and update my blog soon. Again, I want to stress the fact that I am safe, thanks to my constant fear of death and some hope for a future that sucks less.

I hope everyone is well.

Sarah

January 30th, 2017

I think I might start titling my blog posts by date. Then I feel less pressure to unify the entry into one cohesive topic. It can be like writing in my journal. Just without the hand cramps.

I might change my mind about this, but I’ll go with it for now. Anyways, the world is going to hell, so there’s that.

I follow American politics to a strange degree. I take pride in knowing what is happening in the world. But this week, I have consciously avoided my Facebook home page and my YouTube subscription box. I usually watch dozens of news videos a day. Now, I watch nearly an entire season of Friends. My mental health isn’t great right now, and these steps are necessary if I want to prevent a breakdown.

I feel like a piece of shit even saying these things, because the world has been shitty for a lot of people long before today. Thousands of people are dying of hunger daily. Thousands of civilians are being wounded and killed in the Middle East. North Koreans are living under the brutally oppressive regime of Kim Jong Un. But now that white people are suffering, of course I finally decide to care.

But I do care, and I can’t stop caring. As a Canadian, the shooting of the mosque in Quebec City literally hit close to home. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. Somebody had so much hatred for people who prayed in a way he didn’t like (and let’s be real, had a darker skin tone than he would have preferred), that he thought they deserved to die. Of course, that shooter was a Trump supporter.

The situation is much more dire in the United States. There is actually a ban on Muslims entering the country. Trump actually did that. (More accurately, there is a ban on citizens from certain Muslim-majority countries from entering the US, and Middle Eastern Christians are being prioritized over Muslims.) Entry of Syrian refugees has halted. Trump is effectively issuing international death sentences as I type this; people are going to die. And I know people died under Obama’s foreign policy while I sat idly by, but I am saying something now.

I feel a cloud of dread looming over me constantly. I feel like things are about to get much, much worse. I keep thinking about what it must have been like in the late 1930s. Is this how it felt to watch Hitler’s rise to power? Comparing one’s political opponents (or any kind of opponents, for that matter) to Nazis is extremely overdone and hardly ever appropriate. But replace the word “Muslims” with “Jews” in many of Trump’s statements, and they start sounding horrifically familiar.

I am falling asleep as I write this, so it’s time for me to go to sleep. But shit. It’s a brave new world out there.