Doing Something that Matters

I have probably mentioned more than once that I have recently entered into a new relationship. I try to work this fact into most conversations, but I promise it’s actually relevant here. Just give me a minute.

My girlfriend is amazing. I don’t understand how I found somebody so incredible. They have had countless disadvantages in life, but have accomplished more than a lot of people who have been given every opportunity. The one downside to this fact is that I’ve been comparing myself to them a lot lately. And unsurprisingly, I’m coming up short.

They have clear passions, firm values, and big ambitions. Not only do they have big dreams for the future; they have big dreams for right now. These things aren’t true for me. I have been heldĀ  back by fear and disability, allowing my goals and passions to exist only in the future, where they can give me hope without terrifying me. Theoretically, I know what I stand for. I know what’s important to me. But what am I doing about it?

Politics and public policy are a huge interest of mine, and the field I intend to enter after grad school. Yet, the only way I actually engage with these issues is by yelling at my computer while I watch the news. I am passionate about fighting racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, and every other form of oppression, but I skip protests in favour of going to bed early. I have always loved to write, and yet I’ve never had a piece of writing published. I write half-assed blog posts when I’m sad, wanting to be heard but not wanting it enough to invest my whole self into it.

Who am I? What do I bring to the table? What am I doing with my life that actually matters? These questions continue to haunt me, and likely won’t stop until I have finally answered them.

Speaking of writing half-assed blog posts, I need to cap this off because I am very tired. I might write some better posts in the near future. Or I might not.

Sarah

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Exhausted

I am exhausted. I got around 4-5 hours of sleep last night, so that is likely contributing. But also there’s everything else.

Doing things takes a lot of mental energy. For this reason, I am often tired. Days are just too long, and I often can’t get through them completely. Recently, this has caused me to miss many classes. It’s great.

Today, I had to function like a big girl. I had to go to all my classes. I have missed too many lectures, and I am really falling behind in one class. I started the morning by inexplicably crying when I was having trouble printing something on campus. (That can probably be attributed to the lack of sleep) I got through the rest of the day. But it was SO MUCH.

I feel like I need a day or two to recover from one day of being an actual person. But my scheduler tells me I have many busy days ahead. I feel so anxious and trapped and tired. I am so tired. One day of proper functioning was too much for me; how am I supposed to live my life? How am I supposed to have a social life, engage in extra-curriculars, get involved in causes that give me purpose? I can’t even handle a full course load without those things. I’m starting to think I seriously can’t do it. Not that I don’t want to do it, or it would be really difficult, or it would cause more suffering than I care to experience. I literally do not think I can do it.

I need to get more involved in the community. It is starting to really bother me that I am doing nothing to contribute to society. But it feels like so much. And I have many friends with disabilities who are able to do all these things, so what is wrong with me that I can’t?

I have more I want to write about, but honestly, I do not have the energy. Again, I’ll probably feel much better after a good night’s sleep. But right now, everything feels like a lot.

Sarah