I know my blog is filled with negativity, and for that I apologize. These days, I actually am happy a lot of the time. But the motivation to write a new post often comes from feeling so miserable that I desperately seek some form of connection with other humans. So here I am.
I don’t know what it is. I haven’t been waking up (i. e. taking my meds) at the same time everyday, so maybe it’s that. I found out today that I might not be able to take a course I want to take next year. My sister went to the ER with suicidal thoughts last week. I have almost fully cut two close friends out of my life, so I am lonely af.
I probably feel so shitty because all these factors have culminated in a perfect storm of loneliness and misery. I have two peripheral friends that I am trying to get closer to, and I don’t really talk to anybody else. For a while, I was inexplicably okay with this, but I’m starting to feel so alone. And I feel the worst when I’m already miserable, because I just want to curl up in someone’s arms and have them cuddle me and make me feel better. I have called my ex as recently as last week, even though she never ever responds and I do not want that relationship back in any form. I just need someone. Anyone. I’m trying to be strong on my own but I am getting so tired.
Toronto Pride is this weekend, so I might meet new people. But I think I probably won’t. And I’m perceiving a pattern where people get to know me, realize how annoying I am, then leave. I can’t tell if it’s real, because it sounds like a classic social anxiety distortion, but the evidence is fairly convincing.
Sorry. I don’t even have the energy to write. I am just done. In a figurative sense. (I’m not in danger of harming blah blah blah)