TW: DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
Maybe it’s the fact that I’m tapering my Effexor. Maybe it’s because my roommate has been in the hospital for over a month and I’m living alone. But I am really not about my life right now.
I don’t want to die. I have future goals, and I want to do something meaningful before I shuffle off this mortal coil. (Why is depressed Sarah so fucking unbearable?) But I have few attachments to my current life.
Basically, if reincarnation was real, and I could take my sister and my cat with me, I’d be out of here.
I am growing increasingly resentful towards my roommate (despite the fact that it’s mostly unwarranted), and I am realizing I don’t really have anybody else. I have other friends, but nobody who would notice if I just stopped existing. My family would notice, but they’re more of a source of pain than they are a comfort. My sister is the exception, but she’s my baby sister, so I can’t bring myself to lean on her for support.
I keep packing a bag for the hospital, but I can’t bring myself to leave my cat and surrender control over my environment. I know that’s a much better option than dying, but my anxiety about death will probably keep me alive until this passes, if it ever does. So I take my chances at home.
Jenn used to care about me. I have reached out to her, despite the fact that she abandoned me in a horribly cruel way. I don’t have any better options. But she has ignored me too, so that’s cool.
I don’t know what the point of this is, but I hope you enjoy it. Hurray.