TW: Depression, Suicide
Living is very difficult right now. My roommate is still in the hospital, and will now be there for AT LEAST 5 weeks total. I have an unbelievable amount of rage towards her, some of which is probably justified, and some of which is not.
Apparently I’ve been doing much worse than I thought. I e-mailed my counselor last night, saying I didn’t want to live anymore but that I would keep myself safe. I said I wasn’t requesting an appointment; I was merely seeking her guidance on which resources to access. She responded today asking if I was available for an appointment at 12:30. When I went in, she seemed more concerned than I had anticipated. She seemed especially worried about the episode of Hypomania that I had this morning. I have experienced milder hypomanic feelings in the past, but they were never severe enough to mention to my anyone. My counselor asked a lot of questions about this episode, and insisted that I tell my GP. Later, we discussed strategies for staying safe, including visiting the hospital if necessary. At one point during the appointment, my counselor asked if I thought I needed to go to the hospital “right now”. It was incredibly sobering. Of course, I declined this ever-so-inviting offer. Afterwards, she spoke with a receptionist at the Student Wellness Centre to ensure I would get an appointment with my GP tomorrow.
I had a great day outside of my appointment. I went to the gym, socialized, and went shopping. But still, I find myself wanting to die and feeling very agitated & angry about the situation with my roommate.
I have many more thoughts about all this, but the Ativan I took earlier is interfering with my ability to think. So I will go to sleep and update my blog soon. Again, I want to stress the fact that I am safe, thanks to my constant fear of death and some hope for a future that sucks less.
I hope everyone is well.