I am low-key (high-key) freaking the fuck out, as I have been for around 3 weeks now. I’m sorry for unleashing all this negativity on the internet, but you don’t have to read it, so I think it isn’t my fault. Probably.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but my roommate/ best friend has been in the hospital for 2 weeks now. She started being super depressed 3 weeks ago, so that’s when the whole ordeal really started. I found out today she might be in the hospital for 4 weeks. I cannot fucking do this anymore.
I am having such a hard time, every single day, and I have no support. I didn’t realize until now that she was my support. And now I have no one. So I suck it the fuck up and rally every single day and remain the strong one because I don’t have a fucking choice. And she has a boyfriend and a million friends and her family and everybody in the whole damn world to support her, and it’s like she isn’t even trying.
I know that’s a horrible thing to say that somebody with a mental illness isn’t trying. And I don’t know if it’s just too terrible to think she’s really suffering this much, so I make myself believe it isn’t true, but it really fucking feels like she’s doing a lot of this for attention. Again, I know I am a piece of shit. But I can’t stop feeling this way. And I suffer from severe mental illness myself, so it’s not like I don’t understand depression. But I don’t see why she needs to self-harm in obvious places. I don’t see why she needs to tell everybody and their cat that she’s in the hospital. I don’t fucking know.
Now is where I become an even bigger piece of shit. She says she’s doing trauma therapy for a trauma she has never talked about before, and I don’t believe that it happened.
I realize how terrible I sound. I’m reading these words too. But for years, she has insisted that her only trauma was her step-mom dying of cancer. She was asked by doctors for years if anything like this new trauma had happened. And I know it makes sense to not want to talk about a traumatic experience, but we had multiple conversations about this. And why would she bring it up only to lie about it, if it really did happen? How could she seem so casual about it? I feel so strongly that she made this up recently for attention.
I am now re-evaluating everything that has happened since we became friends. And when I think about it, she does seem like an attention-seeker. She talks about having Bulimia with anybody who will listen 24/7. She tells everybody in existence when she’s having a hard time. She will casually talk about killing herself for a week. I’m not 100% convinced that this new analysis is correct; but it feels possible. Again, I know I’m a piece of garbage. But I know what it’s like to experience severe mental illness, and I still feel this way.
If this is the case, we can’t be friends anymore. I can no longer be friends with my roommate, my only support, and my friend of 3 and a half years. I have truly and honestly been fighting everyday to get better. And she seems very content to stay sick and reap all the attention that goes along with that. And that will hinder my efforts to improve my own health. But if I have to do that, then I really have nobody, and then my brain starts going to really dark places.
I don’t know whether these thoughts are true, some defense mechanism, or just me being a worthless excuse for a human, but they’re my thoughts. They’re thoughts I’m too ashamed to mention even to my therapist. I hate her and I hate myself simultaneously. Everybody is selfish. Everybody is a bad person. Everybody hurts people around them. I don’t know. Life has just been so hard lately.
The Ativan I took a while ago is really starting to hit me now, so I don’t know if any of this makes sense, and I definitely need to stop writing. I just needed to get that out there.