Breaking Point

TW: DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

Today was another bad day.

I woke up early. I did home work. I saw my counselor. I felt better.

Then the shit.

I remembered I’m fighting with/ not speaking to my best friend? I was so emotionally exhausted from worrying about her and taking care of her all week that when she overdosed, I called 911 and told her “There’s an ambulance on the way; way to go.” I know that’s fucking awful. But I feel like I have been taken advantage of/ emotionally manipulated all week. We are both going through a rough time right now, but somehow, I was forced into the role of caregiver. And she has plenty of people to take care of her (including her significant other). I have nobody. She was casually talking about killing herself to the point where I wasn’t eating and was popping Ativan every day. I reached my limit when I finally thought I could rest and instead had to call an ambulance again.

I invited a friend over so I would feel less lonely, and we got into a fight. It was about fucking politics. But not really. He has no empathy for the human race, and I have way too fucking much. He’s not super worried about Trump, which got me really angry, because people are afraid for their safety and other human rights but okay. I want to hug every single scared American right now, and he hardly seems to view them as people. I got angry, then he got angry, then he left.

I don’t have nearly enough friends to be doing this. I’m sort of friends with my best friend’s boyfriend, but not really. And sort of some people from the math department? But they’re really just friends with my best friend. I feel alone. I have had a horrific week and I feel alone.

Do you know how much emotional energy it takes to be dealing with your own poor mental health, be terrified your best friend is going to die all week, be hypervigilant at all times in case you need to do something for said friend lest she fucking dies, get school work done, all with no support, and end the week all fucking alone?

I thought about killing myself. I would leave my current life in a second. But I’ve been dreaming of a future life where things are better, and I still want that. Also, my fear of dying is still going strong. But mostly, suicide is out of the question because of my cat. I’m her mom. I can’t leave her all alone. Not to mention my roommate’s stupid cat. I can’t even go to the hospital because I have to take care of these fuckers.

I thought about hurting myself. But this past week has shown my how manipulative it can be to do something like that. It isn’t necessarily manipulative, but it can be. And I never want to make anybody feel the way I’ve been feeling.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up in four years with a Master’s degree and some decent friends and a different fucking president. I am in so much pain and I don’t have any decent options to soothe it.

So that’s it for now. I’m safe, by the way.

Sarah

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11 thoughts on “Breaking Point

  1. Keep being safe!
    It would be really nice if we could do it the way you propose, just go to sleep and wake up in a different set of circumstances. (AND with a different fucking president!)

    I don’t think you’re awful for calling the ambulance. It’s not OK to do what she did to you and you’re strong for getting through that (I hope you don’t take me saying you’re strong as an insult, I lately came across someone who felt me saying I thought they had been strong for doing something was insulting, I don’t mean it that way, tell me if you feel that way!) and moreso than strong, you’re a good friend. I really relate to how you care to much about people and the world, I’m the same. But somehow no matter how much it hurts to care when things go to hell, I can never seem to really want to be a cold-hearted person that only cares about myself. Because in the end I find that as a worse option.

    Keep swimming.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I definitely need to work on my over-empathy, because I get too upset to even help the person having the problem to begin with. But I’m glad I at least care at all. If I didn’t want to make the world better for people, there would be no point to anything.

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  2. I hope everything gets better for you
    It sucks that your friend overdosed but hopefully she’s okay now. I also hope she realizes how supportive u were for her and that sometime she can be there for u as well. I wish u all the best thro and pls keep us posted on here

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    • Thank you. She’s been admitted to the hospital, so at least I know she’s safe. (although that hospital has a horrific track record of keeping psych patients alive- I think she’ll be okay though) I think she’s still mad at me because I was a dick when she overdosed. But I was so done feeling responsible for her life.
      She actually has been incredible and unconditionally supportive when I’ve needed it, which is part of why I feel so shitty and don’t know what proper boundaries are.

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  3. “But I’ve been dreaming of a future life where things are better, and I still want that.” –> I am hanging on to this hope too, and I believe it is possible for all of us, no matter how low we may feel in each moment. So sorry to read about this bad day… I hope you have had some better ones since!

    Liked by 1 person

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