TW: DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
Today was another bad day.
I woke up early. I did home work. I saw my counselor. I felt better.
Then the shit.
I remembered I’m fighting with/ not speaking to my best friend? I was so emotionally exhausted from worrying about her and taking care of her all week that when she overdosed, I called 911 and told her “There’s an ambulance on the way; way to go.” I know that’s fucking awful. But I feel like I have been taken advantage of/ emotionally manipulated all week. We are both going through a rough time right now, but somehow, I was forced into the role of caregiver. And she has plenty of people to take care of her (including her significant other). I have nobody. She was casually talking about killing herself to the point where I wasn’t eating and was popping Ativan every day. I reached my limit when I finally thought I could rest and instead had to call an ambulance again.
I invited a friend over so I would feel less lonely, and we got into a fight. It was about fucking politics. But not really. He has no empathy for the human race, and I have way too fucking much. He’s not super worried about Trump, which got me really angry, because people are afraid for their safety and other human rights but okay. I want to hug every single scared American right now, and he hardly seems to view them as people. I got angry, then he got angry, then he left.
I don’t have nearly enough friends to be doing this. I’m sort of friends with my best friend’s boyfriend, but not really. And sort of some people from the math department? But they’re really just friends with my best friend. I feel alone. I have had a horrific week and I feel alone.
Do you know how much emotional energy it takes to be dealing with your own poor mental health, be terrified your best friend is going to die all week, be hypervigilant at all times in case you need to do something for said friend lest she fucking dies, get school work done, all with no support, and end the week all fucking alone?
I thought about killing myself. I would leave my current life in a second. But I’ve been dreaming of a future life where things are better, and I still want that. Also, my fear of dying is still going strong. But mostly, suicide is out of the question because of my cat. I’m her mom. I can’t leave her all alone. Not to mention my roommate’s stupid cat. I can’t even go to the hospital because I have to take care of these fuckers.
I thought about hurting myself. But this past week has shown my how manipulative it can be to do something like that. It isn’t necessarily manipulative, but it can be. And I never want to make anybody feel the way I’ve been feeling.
I just want to go to sleep and wake up in four years with a Master’s degree and some decent friends and a different fucking president. I am in so much pain and I don’t have any decent options to soothe it.
So that’s it for now. I’m safe, by the way.