New Years Blues, the Saga

Picture unrelated but iconic as fuck. This woman’s legacy is immortal.

I was about to start my “New Years Blues” post, when I realized that the title sounded familiar. I went through my old posts and, sure enough, I wrote one with that title last year. It is possible that I suffer from some level of seasonal depression.

As I mentioned in last year’s entry, I remember dreading Winter every year in high school. I knew it would get dark and cold and grey and sad. I knew I wouldn’t really be happy again for months. But I was never really happy, so didn’t give this too much thought.

The earliest January I remember clearly is January 2014. My mood had been declining in the Fall, but it got much worse over the break. And when the new term started, I was severely depressed. I frequently slept through the day, missing my lectures and neglecting my homework. If I remember correctly, I still made it out of the house to go to gymnastics and to engage in eating disorder behaviours. It was a riot and a half. I do not remember suspecting any seasonal component for my depressive episode, as this was the first time I felt that terrible. Anyways, my depression continued until a traumatic incident created a new set of problems, one of which was a worsening of my eating disorder.

I spent January 2015 in a Day Hospital Program for eating disorders, as I had entered treatment on December 8th. I was officially discharged on the 31st, intending to return to school in February. I was fairly depressed during this time, but I brushed this off as an emotional reaction to my weight gain. I began to relapse almost immediately after discharge, and while I remember feeling better initially, I was soon extremely depressed again. I then assumed my low mood was an effect of malnourishment (which it certainly was, to some extent). I began feeling better around the time I was re-admitted to Day Hospital mid-April.

I thought I was about to write the paragraph for this year, then I remembered that it has now been 2 years since my first stay in Day Hospital. Shit.

January 2016 was different than previous years, because on paper, I should have been happy. My relationship, which had begun the previous November, was still going reasonably well, and I was finally able to take a term of only math courses. But as soon as the break ended, I remember getting unreasonably anxious. Eventually, my depression worsened too, but again I found reasons to brush this off. I was having trouble adjusting to my girlfriend being on her coop term. I felt worthless for quitting my job in October, and was anxious about telling my parents. I don’t really remember when I began feeling better. It was 2016, after all. My relationship became a soul-sucking burden without me even noticing. I stressed about Summer employment from March to June. I briefly moved back home in May, as my new place wasn’t available until July 1st. Then I was working, and having existential crises about my future being a pointless 9-5 office job. And on my last day of work, my girlfriend broke up with me. Anyways, now I’m just listing shitty things that happened last year, which wasn’t the point of this post.

Cue January 2017. I am still healing from my breakup, while anticipating the inauguration of Donald Fucking Trump. But I’m pretty sure I felt a bit better in November and December, when both these wounds were more acute than they are now. And this week, I have taken Ativan nearly every day, while beginning to restrict my food intake. For no reason. I am so excited for my courses this term. I am planning to take dance classes, which I am also looking forward to. WHYYYYYYYY.

I believe the answer to that question is one of 3 options:

  1. My life happens to be especially shitty every January
  2. I am always sad, but am currently especially concerned with January sad
  3. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder

Yeah, I don’t really know what the purpose of this post was. But I hope somebody enjoyed it. I will likely be back soon, as I hate hate many people and things, and love expressing this fact in detail.

Until then, Bernie would have won.

Sarah

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