I (Actually Don’t) Miss Her

Today is the first day since my breakup that I do not miss my ex-girlfriend.

As I continue to gain distance from the relationship, I become more and more aware that it was riddled with problems. But today, I found some old screenshots from arguments we had (They were taken in the context of venting to my best friend). This made me remember how many stupid fights we had. How often I felt like my ex didn’t care about me. How often she complained about trivial issues when I was in the middle of a crisis.

Like I said, I have already accepted that my relationship had problems. But I didn’t realize until today how prevalent these problems were. My memories of the past year are coated in nostalgia that I’m finally realizing is undeserved. I was never happy with my ex.

During the past year, my anxiety worsened, and my depression improved but stubbornly lingered through months of consistent eating, multiple med changes, and countless therapy appointments. I thought all of this was my fault. I was crazy. I was broken. That’s why I was so unhappy all the time. My girlfriend was the epitome of selflessness for putting up with my flaws.

I now realize that these thoughts were incorrect. I have the capacity to be happy when I’m not in a stifling, anxiety-provoking relationship that causes me to hate myself and neglect my needs.

This post isn’t about bashing my ex. She handled the breakup in an incredibly shitty way, but our problems were not necessarily her fault. We were two unhealthy, incompatible people who tried to be happy together and it didn’t work. I’m bashing the dynamic more than the person I shared it with.

Anyways, this post has a negative vibe to it, but this is an incredibly positive development. I do not miss my ex today. I do not miss our relationship. I am excited to be free from that toxic situation. I am beginning to emerge from the deep pit of my depression and feel the sun on my skin. And I’ve never felt anything better.

Sarah

 

 

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