I have just written a series of low-quality posts about being sad, so I thought I might as well try writing about why I feel this way.
Obviously, I am still very upset about the breakup. It has been over a month, so I feel like I should be over it by now, but I’m really not. I think about it all the time. Some days are better than others, but it’s always there.
I thought I was supposed to feel better every single day, as more time passes and I begin to move on. But for the past few days, things have only been getting worse. I miss her again. I miss her all the time.
Everything reminds me of her. A shirt I got from the job I had when we were together. The place she used to park her car when she came over. The onesie I used to wear when she would wear hers and we would match. Everything reminds me of her.
What happened is just too horrible. I recognize that I sound dramatic, but it really is. I was in a relationship with somebody for ten months. For ten months, all of my memories are wrapped up with hers; she plays a starring role in most of them. She was the first girl I’d ever been with. She was the first partner I ever cared about. I put so much of myself into that relationship. So much trust. So much effort. So much love. I thought I loved her, anyways.
I never in a million years dreamed that she would do this to me. We had our arguments, but I never sensed in her the capability to hurt me the way she did. She destroyed me. I am broken. I spend so much of my time wanting to die. She was somebody who used to hold me when I cried, who came over with ice cream when I was sad. She was special to me, and I thought I was special to her. I miss that person so fucking badly. I need that person. But she is not that person anymore. She probably never was.
The person she is now immediately cut off contact after she left my house the day she ended it. This person barely gave me any explanation; I still don’t fully understand why we broke up. This person apparently considered ending things for three weeks, and said absolutely nothing. This person refuses to even try.
This person also stopped responding to my e-mails when I was in the hospital with acetaminophen toxicity. I really thought that would have made her care. This person didn’t even ask mutual friends how I was doing afterwards.
I loved and trusted this person for ten months. I let her into my life and into my heart. And she hurt me worse than anybody ever has. She did something to me that I would never do to another human being. I miss my girlfriend, but the person she is now is cold and heartless and cruel.
This is too terrible. It’s too horrific to be true. So right now, I choose to live in the delusion that she will realize any moment how ridiculous she is being. That she will realize she loves me and wants to be with me. That she’ll come to my house and beg for my forgiveness and spend months trying to make this up to me. That she’ll love me again. That somebody will love me again.
I love her. And she’s destroying me. And that’s too awful to be true, so for now, it won’t be. We’re going to get back together. She’ll call any moment now.
I’m a pathetic piece of shit.