Basically what it sounds like; my day was shit.
I woke up ill-prepared for the Algebra midterm I had to write at 3:30. I had a doctor’s appointment, then studied, then attended a friend’s talk on Graph Theory, studied again, then headed towards the building where I would write my test.
Not only is Algebra my most difficult class; it is also the class my ex is in. The anxiety of seeing her compounded the already-high anxiety about the midterm, and it wasn’t fun. We ended up entering the building at around the same time, which is when I decided it was high time to take a half-milligram of Ativan. The second half-milligram was taken immediately after the test, when I no longer required cognitive abilities but was acutely aware of my poor performance.
I should mention that there is a Math and Stats Pub night currently taking place at my local pub. I know that sounds incredibly boring, but it’s a lot of fun, and there’s free appetizers. I have been planning on going for weeks because I’m working hard on being more social. I found out this morning that my ex (who is also in the Math department) was planning on going with a little posse she had assembled, undoubtedly as a power move to stake her territory with Math people. I know I sound ridiculous, but she NEVER wanted to go out when we were together. Why would she lobby her friends so hard to go with her? It’s just a little suspicious.
But anyways, I ended up not going, because of fuck that shit. At first, I planned to hold my ground and go to pub night anyways, but nobody I know is going, and I can’t look pathetic by myself while she laughs with her stupid friends. I have actually been really pissed about this all day.
I am aware that my current mental state is 80% caused by lack of sleep, 10% caused by academic stress, and maaaaaaybe 10% caused by my ex being an asshole. I have been feeling great these past few days, and I am more over my ex than ever. But today, I find myself wanting to do very destructive things (that I won’t do, don’t worry).
Anyways, time for me to go to bed.
Today is the first day since my breakup that I do not miss my ex-girlfriend.
As I continue to gain distance from the relationship, I become more and more aware that it was riddled with problems. But today, I found some old screenshots from arguments we had (They were taken in the context of venting to my best friend). This made me remember how many stupid fights we had. How often I felt like my ex didn’t care about me. How often she complained about trivial issues when I was in the middle of a crisis.
Like I said, I have already accepted that my relationship had problems. But I didn’t realize until today how prevalent these problems were. My memories of the past year are coated in nostalgia that I’m finally realizing is undeserved. I was never happy with my ex.
During the past year, my anxiety worsened, and my depression improved but stubbornly lingered through months of consistent eating, multiple med changes, and countless therapy appointments. I thought all of this was my fault. I was crazy. I was broken. That’s why I was so unhappy all the time. My girlfriend was the epitome of selflessness for putting up with my flaws.
I now realize that these thoughts were incorrect. I have the capacity to be happy when I’m not in a stifling, anxiety-provoking relationship that causes me to hate myself and neglect my needs.
This post isn’t about bashing my ex. She handled the breakup in an incredibly shitty way, but our problems were not necessarily her fault. We were two unhealthy, incompatible people who tried to be happy together and it didn’t work. I’m bashing the dynamic more than the person I shared it with.
Anyways, this post has a negative vibe to it, but this is an incredibly positive development. I do not miss my ex today. I do not miss our relationship. I am excited to be free from that toxic situation. I am beginning to emerge from the deep pit of my depression and feel the sun on my skin. And I’ve never felt anything better.
I met with my therapist today, and we spent the session discussing various negative thoughts and emotions I have been having with regards to my breakup. I mentioned that I have been increasingly considering it in a positive light, but that I often forget my reasons for thinking this way, and return to feelings of sadness and regret. She suggested that I write out the reasons why I am ultimately happy the breakup occurred, so that’s what this post is.
Behold, the various reasons why my breakup was a positive thing:
- My relationship had a lot of problems, many of which were not clear to me until recently, when I finally had enough distance from it to gain perspective. For example, my girlfriend and I had a hard time communicating, and this lead to many arguments. Additionally, I often felt like my girlfriend didn’t care about me. At the time, I attributed this to my own insecurities, but in retrospect, there are things I need in order to feel cared for in a relationship, and she was unable to provide those things. However, I was very comfortable in this relationship, and very uncomfortable with the prospect of being alone. I don’t think I would have left the relationship myself, meaning I wouldn’t have the opportunity to find something better. I have that now.
- I have learned a lot about myself during the past month-and-a-half. I have been through absolute hell, and am now beginning to emerge out the other side. I did not think I would be able to cope with this, but I was. Not only that, but I have been actively seeking out help and working tremendously hard in order to feel better. I see my doctor and counselor weekly, as well as my psychiatrist every 2-3 weeks. I have begun to exercise again, despite the lack of motivation that accompanies severe depression. I am currently fighting my lack of appetite (and the Anorexic thoughts that resurfaced when this lack of appetite lead to weight loss) to nourish my body and mind. I have attended counseling groups I wanted to skip, used DBT skills I thought were stupid, and done therapy “homework” I didn’t want to do. I have learned that I am much stronger than I thought, and that’s really cool.
- This breakup has forced me to better myself. I didn’t notice at the time, but I largely neglected my personal development when I was in a relationship. I didn’t challenge my social anxiety and meet new people, because most of my time was spent with my girlfriend. I didn’t put much effort into counselling, because I felt “fine” a lot of the time. I even neglected schoolwork to spend more time with my girlfriend. This year, everything is different. I am expanding my social circle, working hard to recover from ALL of my mental health concerns, and spending my time and effort keeping up in my classes and taking care of myself.
- I am currently facing my biggest fear: being alone. A lot of my mental health concerns stem from this fear. Loneliness is a huge trigger for my depression,my eating disorder was both a friend in itself and a way to make people care about me, and my social anxiety likely developed (at least partially) from a fear of driving people away. I should note that I am by no means completely alone. I have family members who love me (in their own ways), and who keep trying to spend time with me. I have an INCREDIBLE best friend/ roommate, who visits me in the hospital every time I end up there (despite the fact that hospitals trigger her PTSD), who goes to social events and the gym with me so I actually go, and who is always ready to listen in the rare event that I choose to actually talk about my feelings like a grownup. I have amazing healthcare providers, who miraculously fit me into their schedules every 1-2 weeks. And I have a number of more peripheral friends, who have certainly made a difference as well. Nevertheless, I feel much more alone than I did when I was in a relationship, and that has been hell, but I am surviving it. I think that in the future, I will be less dependent on my significant other, and will not be as afraid to leave a relationship that isn’t working.
- Everything is about me right now. I spend my time the way I want to spend it, consider post-graduation plans that fulfill my dreams, and run errands when I feel like running them. My ex certainly did not control these aspects of my life, but I felt like I needed to consider her in every decision, so I did. I no longer feel that obligation, and it is incredibly freeing. I could cut all my hair off tomorrow and not give a fuck about anybody’s opinion of it. I can try new things and make new experiences without fear of a significant other’s disapproval. I can figure out who I am, after having this process stifled for years by the church and by illnesses.
So yes, I have experienced a tremendous amount of pain recently. And more than once, I took actions that could have ended the life I am now excited to live. I still deal with sadness and depression on a daily basis. But I believe that this experience has been worth it, for the reasons I have listed. I’m glad that the worst is over and hope I don’t experience anything like this again for a little while, but I feel grateful for everything I have gained from this experience, and I would not take it back if I had the chance. If you had told me even two weeks ago that I would be saying these things, I wouldn’t believe it. But I am. And that is everything.
These men are always here when I want to relive my preteen years with an equal amount of angst. Simple Plan, you’re up next.
I am no longer high, but I am feeling kind of shitty. I attended my algebra lecture today for the first time in weeks, so I had to see my ex. The actual class wasn’t too bad. And I am honestly happy to not be with my ex-girlfriend anymore. But I do miss not being so alone.
I thought it would be a good idea to watch a YouTube video of a lesbian couple from Buzzfeed talking about their relationship. It took me like twenty minutes to realize that it might bum me out, and obviously the damage had been done by that point.
All the coffee in the world isn’t making me want to study, and I don’t really see the point. This isn’t fair. I’m eating. I’m waking up at 6 to take my meds at the right time. I’m going to the gym. I’m even being social as fuck. How much longer do I have to feel like this?
I made weed cookies a couple of hours ago.
It took me a pathetic amount of time to get to my blog and begin writing this post. It is taking me a pathetic amount of time to write sentences. But none of this is the point. I mainly just don’t want to be judged for how bad this writing is.
My mood has been so much better for the past few days. I don’t know what happened. I mean, I have been eating more. And I am extremely motivated to keep myself safe, because one more overdose will almost guarantee me an inpatient admission. I downloaded a DBT Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) app. I’m going to my algebra lecture tomorrow (that’s the class I have with my ex), and I typed out a plan for the skills I plan to use before, during and after, and what I will do if I am in crisis. I’m exercising. I am doing ALL of the things.
Tonight, however, my mood is dipping a bit. For one, I ate cookies today, so I feel fat. I also definitely am gaining the weight I lost (really quickly). My roommate is at her boyfriend’s. When they spend time together, I get really upset because I remember what it was like to have somebody. So I am missing having a girlfriend, even though I am missing my actual ex less every day. (I actually have been so over her this week).
So I am just feeling low right now, and I want to do self-destructive things. But I won’t. I will not.
I have been terrified of myself for these past few days, because my counselor spent an hour the other day basically telling me there was no way I could keep myself safe. She thought I was being unreasonably optimistic that I would stop overdosing. So now, I fear the destructive state of mind as if it were another person who is trying to destroy me. Maybe that’s good? It doesn’t feel good.
Ooh I should hook up with a random person from Her. That’s lesbian tinder. I found tinder for lesbians, you guys!! I’m always too socially anxious to even talk to anybody, but being high calms that right down. They say, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. But like actually social anxiety, so no…
I still haven’t figured out whether I’m gay or bi. But I know that I am only interested in dating a woman right now. I’d be open to dating a guy if I meet one that I am interested in, but I would really prefer to date a woman right now. I think I might be bisexual but heteroromantic. There’s two “ro”s in a ro and it looks really strange right now. But I have definitely felt sexually attracted to men before. I wasn’t horribly attracted to any of my ex-boyfriends, but I don’t know. Leonardo DiCaprio. I think I’m a lesbian EXCEPT for Leonardo DiCaprio. But then I wonder if I only find male celebrities attractive because I’ve been expected to my whole life. But THEN I wonder if I like the attention or edginess or whatever of being gay, but I’m really not. My brain is an unfortunate place. I hate not having a label to use for myself. I tell people I’m gay… but in my mind, that kind of encompasses bi. But I don’t know, it feels right to call myself gay. I don’t even feel super comfortable with lesbian. But gay.
This might be a very long post. I feel like there is a 95% chance I feel embarrassed about this post tomorrow. But I just dropped my probability course, so what do I know?