Alone and High on Ativan

TW: SUICIDE, EATING DISORDERS, SUBSTANCE ABUSE I GUESS

The following post will not be well-written. It might not even be written. I pulled out my laptop to write this in the middle of changing, so I’m writing this topless, and I keep getting distracted by my own boobs. Way too much information, I know.

I took 2.5 mg of Ativan. I am supposed to take 0.5- 1 mg per day at most. So I am very sedated right now.

I had a bad day.

I went to a thing on campus to meet new people. I hate meeting new people (social anxiety disorder life), but I have like one friend, so I need to get on that. But then I met a Chinese girl. My ex was Chinese- Malaysian. It’s so stupid, but that brought up a bunch of memories and feelings and other shit.

While walking home with my best friend, she found out that her boyfriend didn’t get the Rhodes endorsement, so his dream of going to Oxford is dead or whatever. So she had to go comfort him because he’s upset.

I started feeling like everybody has somebody, and I don’t. I used to have somebody, or at least I thought I did, but I don’t now. I just feel like everybody who has a person should shut the fuck up about their problems, because I would give anything to have that. And it’s probably going to be a while before I have anything like that. Because my ex is a bitch who ruined my life. I don’t even like calling people bitches. But there isn’t a word awful enough to describe her, so I figure offensive terms are the closest I can get.

My point is, nobody gives a shit. I trusted her to give a shit. And she said she did. But she’s a fucking liar and now I’m alone in the world which is my biggest fear so I sort of want to die all of the time, not that she gives a fuck. She hasn’t asked our mutual friend how I’ve been since I was in the hospital. For all she knows, I’m dead. I guess it’s all the same to her.

My best friend keeps pissing me off because I hate everybody but also she’s dealing more with restricting lately which is really fucking triggering and she should know it’s really fucking triggering. Stop telling me that you’re struggling with restriction, stop talking about how you’re losing weight all the fucking time, you’re barely even losing weight, don’t tell me your fucking BMI. Now I feel like I need to win.She was always the Bulimic, and I was Anorexic. Restriction and weight loss were my things. Binge and purge all you want, but I will kick your ass at restriction. So now I have to relapse and die because of her.

I just want to have someone. I thought I had that. She fucking abandoned me. I am in so much pain all the time and it makes me hate everyone in the entire world because they should see how much agony I am in and do something about it. I need help.

I considered taking more pills today again. That’s how shitty I feel. But in all likelihood, I’ll get scared and go to the hospital again, where they’ll admit me to medical for like 36 hours. And I’d probably get admitted to psych this time.

I can’t be admitted to the hospital because I have plans with my parents and telling them any of this isn’t an option. But anyways, they’re making stupid fucking birthday plans with me. I don’t want to hang out with them, I don’t want to go out for dinner, I don’t want the reminder that it’s my stupid birthday next week. Four weeks ago, I thought stupid bitchface would be around for my birthday. I thought things were going to turn out a lot differently. Instead, I’ll just be alone and suicidal this year ok thanks. I don’t want my birthday to even happen. Ugh but I have to do all these plans and it’s just annoying. I want to lie in bed tomorrow and do absolutely fucking nothing.

So I hate everyone and everything in my life, and I am in an indescribable, horrific amount of pain all of the time. How did I get here? How did this become my life? She did this to me. She doesn’t even give a shit. I want to die.

I need to finish getting ready for bed, because my functioning isn’t working out and I have gotten out my main points.

Sorry for this shit. I know I’m an asshole. I know I’m a bad person. I know my writing sucks and this post is weird and I’m a dramatic fuck. I know. Whatever. I need to put a fucking shirt on and brush my teeth though so that’s it sorry not sorry.

Sarah

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