I have now had a total of 4 major relationships throughout my life.
The first two were ended by me; the third breakup was mutual. I was not heavily invested in those first three relationships, and I barely mourned their conclusions. The third breakup included a traumatic incident, which did impact me and continues to do so, but I never missed that relationship. I moved on from those first breakups with a sense of freedom and relief. I still can’t figure out whether this reflects a lack of attraction to men or a lack of attraction to these men, but that’s not relevant to this post.
My point here is simply that I have never until now experienced heartbreak.
Then, I had my first girlfriend. She will always be the first woman I dated, the first woman I was intimate with, and the first woman I loved. I used to think that no matter if or how our relationship ended, I would always be happy that she was my first. I was wrong.
This was the first relationship in which I was truly invested. For the first time, I wasn’t constantly wondering whether I actually liked my partner or when I should end things. I saw a future. I put significant effort into this relationship, bettering myself as a person while learning healthy communication skills in individual and group counselling. My girlfriend and I had problems, but I thought they were things that could be overcome.
I was blindsided when she broke up with me.
Not only did the relationship end, but the woman I have trusted and been vulnerable with for the past ten months completely betrayed me. The person who has soothed my pain is now the one causing it.
It is not inherently malicious to end a relationship. I know that. But to pretend everything is fine for weeks while you consider ending your relationship, to lie by explicitly saying you two will work things out, to provide no explanation for the breakup, to abruptly cut off contact so no explanation or closure can be sought; these things are malicious. These are things I would never have done to my girlfriend, and things I would never have thought her capable of doing to me.
I am forced to wrestle with the likely possibility that she never really cared about me and way I cared about her. And that feeling hurts worse than anything I have ever experienced.
Needless to say, the trust issues and fears of abandonment I already acquired from my shitty childhood will likely affect me with much more severity in the future. So that’s something to look forward to.
I will now return to discovering all the different layers of shit that encompass heartbreak. I will probably write again soon because I’m not exactly going to class or applying for jobs. I hope everyone is keeping well, and I hope to have some good news at some point ever again.
PS: In case you’ve forgotten the immortal words of Peyton Sawyer: