Shitty News

I am at work with nothing to do again, so I figured I would take this time to write about the upsetting news I recently received.

My dad invited me to have lunch with my sister and himself. My dad is always clingy when I’m not living at home, so this didn’t raise any red flags for me. I figured he just wanted to hang out.

In the car, he told me that he and my step mom are separating.

(Deja vu to the same voice telling my 8-year-old self that he and my mom are getting separated.)

He also told me he has been having both physical and mental health problems, which is worrisome in itself.

To be honest, I don’t like my step mom. She has treated me horribly in the past, and I cannot stand to be around her passive-aggressiveness and martyr complex. I am not upset that she will no longer be in my life. I do like my step-sister and step-brother, who have been in my life for 5 or 6 years now. It is heartbreaking that these people whom I have considered to be family for years now will be ripped out of my life.

But losing my step-siblings is not even what upsets me the most.

The feeling of chaos, of losing control, is what I find most distressing. My dad has been a source of instability in my life since my parents divorced. He has moved 5 times since then (2003ish), not counting multiple stays with his parents when he was in between houses. He has moved in with three women, my (former?)step-mom included, despite promises that the next house would just be himself, my sister, and I. When my dad and stepmom got married, there was finally one house, one girlfriend, for around five years. And now that’s over.

My family has been ripped apart (again), and I have no idea where my dad will be living and who he will be with next. So that has been my week.


Yet Another Update

Again, it has been a while.

I really need to work on this “having a blog” thing. This would involve not dropping my laptop on cement and doing anything productive on the weekends. Anyways, I don’t remember exactly when I last posted here, but some things have certainly changed since.

After a long, anxiety-provoking, self-hatred-inducing job search, I finally landed a Summer Student position in the office of a non-profit. I believe my position is being funded by Canada Summer Jobs, so thank you Mr. Trudeau. I don’t hate working here, and sometimes, I even enjoy it. Needless to say, that makes this the best job I have ever had. Despite the monotony and lack of free-time that come with 9-5 work, I do enjoy the routine. And being able to work actually makes me like myself a little bit. Obviously, it is also nice that I can pay off last year’s tuition in time to register for this year’s classes.

I have also moved out of my dad’s house, and have been living in a basement apartment with my best friend for almost a month now. I can’t begin to describe how much happier I am to have my own space. Home actually feels like a warm, secure place now. I no longer have to strain to get along with my passive-aggressive stepmom, or constantly fear irrational anger from my dad.

In the past month or so, I have started two new medications. First, I started taking Lyrica. (I was told I would be prescribed Gabapentin, but allegedly they’re very similar medications for Fibromyalgia with off-label anxiety uses so whatever) I think this helped to control my anxiety, but my depression worsened when I began working. I am enjoying my job as something temporary, but being around my real-adult coworkers made me realize that one day I will likely be doing this for the rest of my life. Showing up to an office everyday for decades just feels horribly unfulfilling, so this line of thought lowered my mood considerably. I was then prescribed Welbutrin as an addition to my Effexor/ Lyrica cocktail. Welbutrin ruined my sleep for about a week, but I think it’s working well now, and I am feeling good.

That’s it for updates today. I am actually at work right now, pretending to be busy as I type this post into an e-mail I will send to myself to upload later. I have had little to do today, a definite anomaly, so I promise all my talk about enjoying my job is genuine. Anyways, my new laptop has arrived at my dad’s house, so I will be able to post again soon, ideally on my own time.