Medication Fuckery

So my doctor and I have been talking about changing my medication for a while now. I am on the maximum dose of Effexor, and I have not yet been majestically cured of my depression and anxiety. I have met with the school’s psychiatrist a couple of times, and she has recently suggested that I try adding something to my current medication, and if that doesn’t help, to completely switch to something different. The psych and my GP have both advised that I change medications in the Summer if that is needed, so that’s something to possibly look forward to.

I am now taking Gabapentin (Neurontin) with my Effexor. It is mainly used for nerve pain, but is sometimes used to treat certain anxiety disorders. So far, I am not a fan.

First of all, you have to take this nonsense pill three times a day. I have better things to do with my life than take pills all day. I already take 3 Effexor pills (1×150 and 2×37.5), 1 Cytomel (a thyroid medication sometimes used with other medications to treat depression), 2 vitamin Ds (1 take 2000 IU in the hopes that it makes me happy), and 1 iron pill. It is annoying enough to have to take my iron with lunch because it affects the absorption of the Cytomel. Now I am just taking meds all day.

Taking 3 pills a day is an annoyance I could probably get used to. But what really makes me dislike this medication is how it is making me feel. I have been under a lot of stress lately so I can’t entirely blame the Gabapentin, but I have definitely been more anxious since I started taking it. Granted, I only started yesterday, but I have already taken 4 pills, so I’ve essentially been taking it for 4 days. Kind of.

Anyways, I had a big meltdown last night when I became EXTREMELY angry about something my step mom said. I got into a non-fight with my girlfriend that consisted of me asking her repeatedly why she was mad at me when she definitely was not. I realized that my emotions were out of control, so I took half a milligram of Ativan to chill the fuck out.

Today started well; I got up early to exercise and felt great. But I had a job interview in the afternoon, and I did not have the energy for it. I dragged myself there reluctantly, and became extremely anxious while waiting in the lobby. The anxiety was so bad it manifested as a severe stomach ache, which I had during the entire interview.

Now, I am feeling incredibly depressed. Partially because I was supposed to hear back about a different job today, and it was one that I really wanted. I feel like a failure for not having a job yet, and I am anxious about my finances. But my current depression feels worse than what I would normally experience in this situation. I feel irritable, distant from people, and unable to do anything productive. I have no idea how I managed to write this post, to be honest.

Maybe I am just having a rough time and blaming this new drug. Or maybe this is just normal for beginning a new medication. But I am miserable, and I can only imagine how much worse I will feel if I have to switch my medication completely.

For now, I just say:

Fuck you, Gabapentin

Fuck you, evil stepmother

Fuck you, Sarah. It’s a new med. Calm down.

Sarah

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6 thoughts on “Medication Fuckery

  1. Being between jobs is depressing and anxiety provoking–one’s ability to tolerate normal levels of depression and anxiety is sometimes related to whether the circumstance triggers abuse related emotions such as feeling abandoned or worthless.

    And there are instances in which certain kinds of trauma related symptoms, such as dissociative symptoms, don’t respond to medication. Please understand that I am not recommending that anyone go off meds

    Feeling irritable and distant from people and unable to do anything productive is how I feel when I triggered and dissociate.

    Again…I am not saying that this is true for you.

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      • The thing that is easy for everyone to forget, including those of us who have a mental health diagnosis, is that we have to go through all of the normal hell that life offers everyone else.

        For us it’s a bit more difficult and confusing and because our emotional lives are the problem there is a tendency to think that all of our emotions are part of the illness.

        Job seeking is a major life stress.

        Like

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