This Stupid Morning

Warning: I am currently feeling marginally less like the ray of sunshine and force of positivity I normally am.

This morning sucks. I am in an awful mood. I have an awful day ahead of me. I have an awful week ahead of me.

I woke up at 5am to shower and eat breakfast before going to yoga at 7. Yoga was supposed to start my day in a positive way by releasing endorphins and providing a sense of accomplishment. Yoga was cancelled. I then found out that my best friend might be moving to BC in a year, so that’s super great. I am currently waiting for my 9:30am appointment with my counsellor, hoping she fixes my entire life.

Later this evening, I have an interview for a full-time position that begins next week. I don’t want to do the interview. I don’t want to do the job. I want nothing to do with any of it, but I need money to survive so I really don’t have much of a choice.

Tomorrow, I have an interview. Friday, I have an interview. Maybe I should feel relieved and excited in these job prospects, but instead I am filled with misery and dread. And it feels like things will be this way for the rest of my life. I will work and I will hate it. Forever.

Further, I have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life. What even do you do with a math degree other than become an actuary, which I do not want to do in a million years? I am currently thinking mathematician, math technician, or policy advisor… which are all very different things from one another. I am aware that these are the desperate rambles of a madwoman. This is why I do not wake up at 5am.

I am still living at home until July, which is A+. My step mom keeps the house extremely cold despite everybody else’s discomfort because fuck everybody who isn’t her.

Anyways, this post is derailing in a massive way, so I need to stop typing and put my head between my knees for a while. I might delete this later, because it presents a bleak picture of the world at large and of me as a person. We’ll see.



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