Yesterday, I wrote my last exam for the term. It is officially “Summer” for me. I should be thrilled, right? Or at least relieved. I am neither of these things.
I am no longer anxious about school, but I now have much more to worry about. Firstly, I will be moving back in with my dad for the months of May and June, a situation which hasn’t been great for my mental health in the past. I am dreading the loss of independence and the constant hyper vigilance I will feel living in a place that doesn’t feel emotionally safe.
Next, I need to get a full-time job this Summer, and I have yet to find one. I have sent out dozens of applications, leading me to believe that I am fundamentally undesirable as a candidate for employment. I have hardly paid any of my tuition for the previous school year, and I need to balance my student account before I can register for Fall classes. I need to make enough money to pay off $4700 in tuition, plus pay rent in July and August. Asking my parents for money is an option, but it is an absolute last resort. My mom was not happy when I quit my part-time job in October to focus on school and my mental health, and I do not want that decision to be thrown in my face.
Ironically, while the prospect of not finding a job is terrifying, so is the idea of finding one is just as scary. Working makes me incredibly anxious. I worry about whether I am doing a good job, whether my coworkers like me, what clients/customers think of me, and how long I will be able to cope. Anticipating a Summer of feeling this way makes my heart race. I hate it so much.
So I am on Summer “break”, and while my classmates and roommates seem ecstatic, I am filled with dread. As much as I love the warm weather and bright evenings that lie ahead, I already miss the security and predictability of the school year. September can’t come soon enough.
So I wrote an incredibly dramatic post (or three) the other day about breaking up with my girlfriend. The day after I wrote those posts and my linear algebra final, my girlfriend missed work to come to my house and talk things out. We ended up deciding to give our relationship one last shot.
The good news is that I am no longer horribly depressed and lonely. The bad news is that I have to have that “Never mind about all the drama the other day” conversation. I didn’t tell many people about my breakup, because I was busy trying to hold my shit together, but I have had to update my best friend, my roommate who heard me sobbing, and now, this blog.
Anyways, it is 1 in the morning and I need to get to sleep a few hours ago, but I felt the need to make this post before writing anything else. Regardless, I plan to write again in the near future. (Probably actually maybe this time)
What the hell? Let’s write another post. It’s not like I’m doing anything more productive with my time, anyways.
I am really struggling right now. When I initially decided to end my relationship, I felt numb, and I was counting on that numbness to continue until after I wrote my exam. But that is not what is happening. I am overwhelmed with how horribly depressed and lonely I feel. Every second is painfully long. I check my phone every five minutes, expecting Jenn to text me, but she hasn’t, and she won’t.
I find myself hating everyone and everything, I am disappointed with the direction my life has taken, and I don’t know how I am g0ing to survive this. In theory, things will get better, but how long will that take? And how will I make it until then? How will I make it until 7:30, when my exam is scheduled to begin?
I apologize for how depressing this post is. I just don’t know what to do with everything I am feeling, and writing in my journal feels useless, so I am posting here. I hope somebody out there reads this, if only so I can feel some sort of connection to anybody anywhere.
I know it’s “just a breakup”, and I will feel better eventually, but I am having a really fucking hard time right now.
The official break-up has occurred. I am not okay. I still have to write a final.
Current emotions: numbness and linear algebra ^
I really am shit at keeping up with a blog, aren’t I?
This is partially due to how busy school has been, and partially because I have been in a relationship. For around five months (just checked the calendar… it would have been five months tomorrow), I have had somebody to listen to my every thought and feeling. Unfortunately, by the end of the day, that will probably not be the case.
I have an exam to write tonight at 7:30 (who schedules exams that late?), so I can’t allow myself to feel the full weight of this decision yet, but I thought I would write this now in an effort to take the edge off the inevitable loneliness I will feel tonight. Maybe I will write a post later about why this relationship didn’t work out, but it isn’t a very interesting story, so maybe not. I am also still holding out hope that my girlfriend will say or do something tonight that will change my mind, but mainly so I can remain functional enough to write my final.
Anyways, I really need to get back to the exciting world of Linear Algebra.
Until then, keep breathing.