It is probably about time that I post an actual update, so here I am. As I mentioned in my previous (alcohol-fuelled) post, I intended to blog a lot over the Winter holidays, but I did not. I am two weeks in to a new school term and am getting busier by the day, but I hope to prioritize this blog a little bit more in the coming months.
Over the past two weeks, I have suffered from worse-than-usual depression. My life is incredible right now, so it is very confusing to feel this way. I just have days when nothing, not interesting classes, not social events, not even my incredible girlfriend, seems to bring me joy. On these days, I am convinced that I am a burden to everyone around me, and that I will never achieve a truly happy life. My doctor has increased my dose of Effexor, so the hope is that this medication change will help.
I have started to wonder whether this depression is seasonal. I was incredibly depressed at this time last year, but I was also experiencing a relapse into my eating disorder, so I assumed that this was merely a side-effect of malnourishment and of watching my life crumble around me again. My first severe Major Depressive episode, which left me sleeping past noon everyday and failing/nearly failing all my classes, occurred at this time two years ago. I remember dreading Winter every year in high school, because while I was not aware that I suffered from Depression, I knew that the dark, cold days from December to March left me feeling really down.
Fortunately, I am still feeling well enough to fight my Depression by attending social events, signing up for therapy groups, and going to class. I consider this to be immeasurably important.
Unfortunately, restriction has started to creep in as my insecurities about my body become harder to cope with, and the “high” I experience when I lose weight seems increasingly attractive. I am not restricting enough at this point to damage my health, but I do need to turn this around before it gets worse.
So this is my update. I hope it doesn’t seem too pessimistic, because I hold a lot of hope that my mood will improve and that I will remain on track with my recovery. I hope everyone is well, and I will try to write again really soon.