The past few days have been rough; but ironically, it is during my lapses that I begin to truly appreciate how far I have come in my recovery. The life I am living now is one I could not have imagined just one year ago, and I now hardly remember the deep, dark hole where I used to spend every moment of every day.
When I think about the hell I lived in for much of the past year, I feel sickened. I cannot believe it was me who experienced that, and I have no idea where I found the strength needed to claw my way back towards life. This all might sound incredibly melodramatic, but I cannot overstate how absolutely awful I felt every single day for so long.
During this past year in recovery, I have eaten meals while wiping away tears, while gripping my utensils with trembling hands. I have eaten meals while my mind screamed at me over every single bite. I have eaten meals while feeling completely lost and alone, with no hope in the world for the future.
But through all that pain and suffering, I somehow managed to get here. I was able to move away from my parents’ house to a better living environment. I was able to return to school and see my friends again. I was able to socialize and meet new people. I was able to start dating an incredibly sweet, beautiful girl.
I still have bad days. But with each passing week, the bad days become fewer and farther between. I sometimes go an entire day without thinking about food. I have allowed somebody to see me naked. My life isn’t perfect, but it is good. Sometimes, I feel truly happy.
I could wrap this up with a moral about things getting better, and recovery not being a straight line, but that isn’t the purpose of this post. I just want to put everything in perspective, and to appreciate how far I have come in the past year.
December 8th will mark exactly one year since I began my first stay in the Day Hospital Program, and I plan to write another post to commemorate that milestone. Until then, I hope everybody is doing alright.