This post will not be eating disorder-related, which is actually a good indication that my recovery is going well. I plan to write a post about that soon. This post will be about my recent journey in exploring my sexuality, and the exciting turn this journey has recently taken.
I will start with a quick background:
My first crush was on a boy named Gavin in my third grade class. Since Gavin, I have experienced countless crushes on boys and men, and continue to get these feelings now. However, when I was 12 years old, I began to think I might be attracted to women. I had feelings towards some of my female friends that felt different than feelings of friendship. I considered myself a Christian at the time, and these “sinful” desires TERRIFIED me. I would pray multiple times a day that I was not bisexual. At some point, I was sufficiently convinced that I was straight, and elected to never question my sexuality again. At the time, I thought that thinking about my sexual orientation too hard might change it, and that any deviation from “straight” would be a negative change. I lived the next several years of my life wholly convinced of my straight-ness. At one point, I did not even desire female friendship, and the idea of sleeping with a woman disgusted me. I now attribute these extreme feelings to internalized misogyny, and possibly an overcorrection from an attraction towards women.
It has now been over 2 years since I left the church, and slightly longer since my views on the LGBTQ+ community changed. After telling myself and others that I was straight for so many years, I continued to believe it for a while. But in the past few months, I have begun to explore my feelings towards women.
A few months ago, I told my friend that I thought a friend of hers (let’s call her J) was attractive. I didn’t expect anything to come of it, even when my friend told J about my feelings. Earlier this week, I was told that J wanted to meet me, because she’d been told about me yet we had never spoken in person. We met and talked for a while, and I really enjoyed myself. J is cool and interesting and so pretty. We began texting, then made plans for a date this weekend, then hung out and talked again today. This is all happening so fast, but it feels so right, and I am ridiculously smitten.
I don’t want to rush to label myself again. I am still not 100% sure whether I am attracted to women in general. And if I am, there are still multiple labels to choose from. But I do know that I am attracted to this girl, and that is really, really exciting.