Good Times and Bad Times

The past week or two, life has been strange. Some days have been great, others have been terrible, and all of them have been exhausting.

I got my period back again, which deserves a blog post all unto itself. Obviously, I am stoked about decreasing my risk of Osteoporosis, but my eating disorder has some special opinions on the matter. (Fun fact: I am fat, I am not sick enough, and nobody will care about my feelings anymore.)

A couple days after getting my period back, I had to be weighed at Relapse Prevention, and found that my weight had skyrocketed in one week. My therapist told me that it’s normal for water retention to increase your weight during this time of the month, but I remained horrified. I engaged in some mild behaviours that day and the next.

Over the next few days, multiple confrontations occurred between myself and my family, and my home no longer feels like an emotionally safe place for me to be. Unfortunately, I am currently living in a state that scientists like to call “Broke as Fuck”, so moving out isn’t an option.

On top of all this, I recently lost my job (for reasons that I’m not sure are legal), and I have not yet been able to tell my parents due to the shame. I am having a really hard time making due with what little money I have until my student loan comes in mid-September, but I can’t ask my parents for help.

In response to these stressors, my use of eating disorder behaviours greatly increased.

Fortunately, something made me get back on track (again again again) today, so things will probably be okay. Life is really difficult right now, but I need to believe that one day it will be better. And I can only believe that if I am getting well.

Tomorrow, I need to leave the house despite the intense shame I feel over what I have eaten today and about its effects on my body. Then, I need to figure out how to refill my prescription without being able to afford the co-pay. It is going to be a difficult day. But there’s that thing about things getting better, so…

Sarah

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