I have a very bad habit of romanticizing my eating disorder. Some days, my thoughts are a constant loop of everything I miss about it. So right now, I am going to make myself sit down and list the things that I absolutely do not miss.
1. I do not miss ordering a black coffee at Starbucks while everybody else orders fun double-mocha-frappa-latte-soy-macchiatos. I fucking hate the taste of black coffee.
2. I do not miss walking around in a constant state of semi-consciousness. Just because you CAN be productive while experiencing a never-ending head rush, doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
3. I do not miss sleeping in until noon just to endure fewer waking hours. That’s not how anyone should live their life.
4. I don’t miss sitting alone in my room eating my safe foods while my family enjoys birthday cake without me.
5. I do not miss coming up with a new excuse every night for not eating dinner with my family.
6. I do not miss having to constantly stock up on the only 3 foods that feel safe to me.
7. I don’t miss calculating my daily caloric intake on the way to a party to figure out whether or not I can drink.
8. I do not miss planning who to call if I collapse in the grocery store because the odds are starting to look like fifty/fifty.
9. I do not miss hating EVERYONE. ALL THE TIME.
10. I do not miss constantly counting down hours and days because enduring the passage of time has become an impossible chore.
11. I do not miss seeing the pain in my dad’s eyes when he says I don’t look well, and feeling exhilarated because that means I’m getting thinner.
12. Weight redistribution takes a while, but I WILL NOT miss having smaller breasts than my fifteen year old sister- ouch.
13. I do not miss having the exact same conversation with my therapist every single week.
14. I do not miss wondering exactly how many years I have until I develop osteoporosis.
15. I do not miss looking for jobs and degrees I can do without a properly functioning brain. Hint: it’s none.
16. I do not miss going to second base with strange women performing ECGs on me.
17. I do not miss artificial sweeteners. They taste like alien diarrhea.
18. I do not miss shamelessly lying to the people who love me all day.
19. I do not miss feeling like my life is ruined because I am having a bad body image day.
20. I do not miss being a shell of a person while my sense of humour and individuality fade with starvation.
21. I do not miss being unable to date because I have way too much baggage and way too little interest in the opposite sex.
22. I do not miss looking forward to a future of hospitals and disability support and loneliness and pain.
23. I do not miss not allowing myself to feel happiness out of fear that feeling happy while sick will destroy my chances of ever becoming healthy.
24. I do not miss my friendships being one-sided as my friends support me while I am unable to do the same for them.
25. I do not miss the very real fear that nobody can tell I have lost weight and all my suffering has been in vain.
I am going to stop there, because to be honest, I can’t stop thinking about how much I miss losing weight. I fucking miss it like it’s a drug. Like it’s the love of my life. But I am striving for higher goals than a lower number on the scale, so I’m just going to have to learn how to deal.