TRIGGER WARNING: I talk about engaging in eating disorder behaviours in this post. Please read at your own discretion.
These past have been incredibly difficult, and unfortunately, I have been using my eating disorder to cope.
On Friday afternoon, I had a difficult conversation with my mom about a previous argument we had. My mom mentioned repeatedly that I need to “take responsibility for [my] actions”. I felt like I was being blamed for having an eating disorder.
Saturday morning, I checked my bank account and found that $500 had been taken out of my account unexpectedly. I contacted my bank and the company that withdrew the money, but nothing could be done right away as it is the August long weekend. I vomited part of my lunch and restricted the rest of it. I did managed to eat the rest of my lunch later on with my afternoon snack. Later, I vomited my dinner, but was able to keep down evening snack. It is extremely rare for me to purge regular meals, so this is quite upsetting.
My stress as well as the vomiting led to a meltdown on Saturday night. My dad made an incredibly rude comment towards me, to which I responded “Fuck you” without even thinking. My emotions and actions felt incredibly out of control at that time.
Sunday morning, my dad and I discussed the incident, which made me feel worse. I apologized for what I said, because I knew it was wrong the moment the words left my lips, but I did not feel that my concerns about what my dad had said were being heard. I restricted nearly a third of my meal plan Sunday and spent the night at a friend’s house.
Both Saturday and Sunday were filled with depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts. Today has been better so far, and I have returned home, but I have been engaging in mild restriction. I just hope that things start looking up.